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Illegal Notion: Reason to the Rhyme

Sooooo this looks like a job for meeee

Photo by Todd Kirkland/Getty Images

As I remained perplexed throughout the week

In what I would write to those who actually read what I speak,

Well, you can’t read what I speak...ugh, what a terrible start,

I really envisioned this post as a transcendent work of art,

But it hasn’t worked out that way, so before this spirals out,

I should probably pick a format to ease your doubts.

I think I’ll just lay down some lines, like in a rap,

But wait...I’m old, and can no longer spit it as fast.

Well really I never could, but that doesn’t rhyme,

So stick with me as I try to keep rhythm and time,

It’s not a haiku or a poem, and it might not flow from line to line,

I just needed to find a different way to speak my mind.

Cus I’m out of ideas; there’s simply nothing else to joke about

So I guess I’ll just flex, showing off my lexiconical clout.

No, that’s not a word, might be a shape though...

Sorry...let’s get started and see where this thing goes...

While I sat and watched the Vikings game begrudgingly,

I realized what should have always been so easy to see,

It’s not that the Redskins suck, which was always clear to me,

It’s that my heart isn’t in it, or at least where I’d need it to be.

I know a bunch of other fans share the same feeling,

And firing Bruce Allen wouldn’t complete the healing.

See, as I watched last night I realized I didn’t have a single care.

Not even for a loss-and that higher draft pick-my cupboard is bare.

I’m not mad, I’m not sad, and I don’t think much about the future.

I guess now that I’m done recovering from all the sutures,

That stitched me back together after the team hurt me once more,

And the parts of my soul I ripped out that I used to adore,

But I finally understood, with every fiber of my being,

That cutting out this disease would be so freeing.

And it is; it’s a bit sad as I fill in those holes,

But this dumpster-fire of a team will never make me whole.

Decisions will be made by the arrogant and blind,

And even as mistakes are made, and those men wouldn’t rewind,

Because, you see, the problem isn’t something that makes sense to us.

It’s not something anyone can fix, and it’s just time to stop the fuss.

Bruce and Dan are delusional; on a totally different planet,

The only choice we have left is to just simply can it.

Stop caring, stop watching, stop listening, or going,

Stop complaining, stop hoping, and start the inward towel-throwing.

It’s time to be done, to grow up, to move on in life,

Find a different team, sport, hobby-anything that causes less strife.

What we saw last night-more penalties and turnovers-was simply just gross.

And a showing from the rookie made it even more morose.

I put out a tweet that was a satirical overreaction,

And as I read through the 106 mentions, I realized the traction

That this team still has, and it’s crazy to me;

Are there really this many people who still fail to see?

See the abusive relationship, the vicious cycle, they remain in,

With a couple of men that will always work to get under your skin,

Who don’t care how you feel, what you want, or who you are,

As long as the money ends up in their pockets, they’ll remain on Mars.

But there’s still a bunch of you out there who really do care,

And while I hope that someday I can return to there,

For now I’ll lay out what should be the plan,

Far be it from me to tell you; just trust Bruce and Dan!

And please realize, as many of you still don’t,

That most of what I say is sarcastic, not worth angry response posts.

I’m not a dummy, I know football, and I no longer overreact,

That’s something you lose as the fandom becomes a thing of the past.

Having said that, I would like to give you a plan for Simba,

One that you should take note of and make sure to...rememba…


Haskins should start against the tough Bills’ D,

But he needs a package developed immediately.

We saw in college that he can make all the throws,

And timing and rhythm are something he already knows.

What he doesn’t quite grasp yet is the speed of the game,

And sometimes pre-snap he looks baffled, or so I’d claim.

So make it easier on him; give him some simple RPOs,

Mix in some screens, spread things out; see how he shows.

We all know he has more talent than Mr. Minshew,

Who was a sixth-round pick because of a plethora of issues.

A dude I’ve never heard of won a game in Pittsburgh,

And he was also punter in a lower league, which is absurd.

If that guy can win, then your uber-talented rook should,

It’s on the coaches if he’s not ready; that needs to be understood.

Simplify the playbook, simplify the calls,

Ask him what he likes to run, and, most important of all,

Give him all the reps with the first team in practice!

The fact that he hasn’t been getting them is madness.

The kid is being put in a position to fail,

And I commend him for his attitude, even if it’s veiled.

We don’t know who the young man is behind closed doors,

But outwardly, he’s hard on himself, and wants nothing more,

Than to be a winner in this league as a young quarterback,

And he hasn’t shown that the pressure or failure will cause him to crack.

If his solid football character is all simply feigned,

Then even-the-more reason to hand him the reigns…

We need to see what he’s got, and if he’s too fragile to fail,

We need to know that now before our coffin is nailed,

By skipping QB in April, using that top-3 pick on a different position,

We’d be ignoring the singular key to our goals coming to fruition.

So throw him out there, see if he has the ability-and the guts,

Because if he doesn’t, we don’t have time left to futz!

Things need to change now, and a QB must be identified,

Or, by the time this team is good again, my bones will long be petrified.

I have a glimmer of hope that the young lion can succeed,

But if he doesn’t, Burgundy and Gold I will no longer bleed.

I reserve the right to someday jump back into the fray,

Though it may be when I’m older and mostly gray,

For now I’ll lament in my weekly posts,

And I’ll try to keep the humor generously dosed.

I will keep trying to help you smile in the place you are stuck,

But until Bruce Allen is fired, I don’t give a…....hoot.