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Looks Like Someone Has a Sixpack of the Mondays

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The weather played for the Redskins yesterday, but that still wasn’t enough to overcome a revenge-minded Kyle Shanahan.

NFL: San Francisco 49ers at Washington Redskins Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports
  1. Well, we knew it wasn’t going to last forever. The Washington Redskins win streak was finally put to bed on Sunday at home against the San Francisco 49ers. The team will look to continue its road winning streak this Thursday night against the Minnesota Vikings. That concludes the updates on the current and former Redskins win streaks.
  2. As a seasoned fantasy football player/tailgater (not a fantasy football tailgater, mind you), I am intimately familiar with the manner in which the weather can impact gameday. I always start the defense playing in monsoon conditions. ALWAYS. Bad weather always plays for the defense, and the underdog always benefits. ALWAYS. That said...no, I didn’t start the Redskins defense because I was expecting the 49ers to still run the score up farther than I have ever seen—more on that below. That concludes today’s section on me breaking my own rules when it comes to these EXACT scenarios.
  3. Okay, enough of that. Going into this game, I was trying to imagine just how many points Kyle Shanahan’s anger was worth. Weather notwithstanding, this game had all the makings of an old-school Sam Wyche vs. Jerry Glanville affair. Do yourselves a favor and look that one up. In 1989, Wyche’s Bengals ran the score up on Glanville’s Oilers 61-7, which sounds bad, but the story behind that score really drives home what happened. Up 45-0, Sammy called an onside kick that for obvious reasons, the Oilers were NOT expecting. After the Bengals recovered, Wyche went for it with a bomb on fourth down on that drive to go up 52-0, following that up with a fake reverse/halfback option pass for another touchdown. With around 21 seconds left, Wyche called a timeout to squeeze in one last field goal (which Glanville had to be careful on because the Bengals had already faked a field during that game). The best was the post-game press conference, where Wyche said (among other things), “I wish today was a five-quarter game.” God this league used to have way more bite to it. Listening to Kyle Shanahan talk during the week, I was expecting a similar kind of approach to this game. As much as I love my team (and I love the Redskins, God help me), there is not a single ounce of me that forgets the way this team chewed up and spat out the Shanahans.
  4. After coming back from coaching the 2012 Senior Bowl, Mike Shanahan declared he had found his franchise quarterback: Kirk Cousins. He told people willing to listen that he could build an offense around Kirk and better yet, the Michigan State product wouldn’t cost an arm and a leg in the draft. Dan Snyder took that to mean: trade away a fortune in draft picks for Robert Griffin III. This was after Bruce Allen and Dan Snyder “gifted” Shanny with Donovan McNabb instead of Marc Bulger on that fateful Easter Sunday. Shanahan had reportedly cleaned out his office a year too early, assuming he was gone after the miraculous division championship in 2012. Instead, he was fired after the next season, a 3-13 campaign that was simply miserable...for all of us. With a front-row seat to all of the douchebaggery that we here are so intimately familiar with, Kyle Shanahan was literally groomed—BY THE REDSKINS—to be a coach that would do whatever it took to destroy the Redskins. If it wasn’t for a tropical storm, I believe we would have seen the Redskins take one of their worst losses of all time. Even so, the game ball from yesterday’s shutout of the Redskins went to Mike Shanahan. Sweet!
  5. In much the same way Frank Cross pleaded with stagehands to “please...stop...the g**-damn hammering,” I find myself staring off into the abyss asking, “Will someone please...for the love of God...tell me how the Redskins get burned by a DO-OVER!?” I wish I could properly convey the complete lack of surprise on my face and in my mind when the referees announced that the play in which the 49ers fumbled and the Redskins recovered that we all had just watched...never happened. IT NEVER HAPPENED. Listen, I understand this season is going to blow. I get that our team is going to invent ways to lose at times. But a DO-OVER?!?!? I mean, it was so poetic. I stood up in my basement, alone, feverishly applauding what I had just seen. A freaking one-man standing ovation for the masterpiece just delivered by the football gods. As I screamed “Bravissimo!!” at the television, wiping away the tears that are more commonly associated with a person seeing the Sistine Chapel for the first time, I found the strength to thank those same football gods for their steadfast devotion to the complete and total evisceration of my Sunday football experience. They have not approached this endeavor with the same kind of lackluster performance as...say...well...as the Washington Redskins. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t breathlessly waiting to see what the next nine games holds for us. One thing I have learned as a Redskins fan is that at 1-6, and with the schedule we have in front of us, we are absolutely assured of seeing something even more ridiculous before the season comes to a merciful end. My money is on the game in Buffalo taking place on November 3rd...something in the “snow-obscured goal line” variety maybe.
  6. Before I leave you to begin a rigorous scouting session of the New York Jets ahead of our next home game (our next chance to start a home winning streak), I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a certain name from the roster of our upcoming opponent. Some hints: he wears purple, acts aloof, is of somewhat indeterminate species in terms of what kind of player he actually is and has a penchant for short-arming it. If you guessed Grimace, the McDonaldland character, you are so close. Think purple, widely mocked by people who once claimed to love him and weirdly possessing a lot of confidence in his own leadership abilities. I’m hearing a lot of Barney guesses now. We’re getting there. Think human-like emotions, always happy to see you when you get home from work, but also partly responsible for locking you out of the house while dinner gets cold on the table. Damn...that’s Dino from The Flintstones. We’ll get there folks...