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Hating with H8: Philadelphia Eagles Edition

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Hating with H8: Week One- The Philadelphia Eagles

Cleveland Browns v Philadelphia Eagles Photo by Mitchell Leff/Getty Images

You know, as some of you long-timers know, I waver back and forth on whether or not I write a Hating with H8 every year. Mostly that wavering is due to the fact that I’m superstitious. I usher at church now because one week in 2015 I did it and the Redskins won. The next week I did not...the Redskins lost. Somehow my ushering worked for their 4-game winning streak but was unable to stop Aaron Rodgers in the playoffs. Thanks a lot God. I still usher at church by the way.

If I write one and we lose, then it’s all my fault. My words somehow cursed the team. But that’s nonsensical. I didn’t write one in week-17 last year and the good karma didn’t stop Joe Barry from prepping for Josh-fucking-Johnson instead of Eli Manning.

So I’ve decided to ignore my superstitions and march on. Every week! No matter what happens!

It’s good to have Redskins football back.

Onto the business at hand. Guys and gals, I have to be honest, this week one game versus the Eagles has me a little nervous. It’s not everyday that a 300-lb juicer threatens to “go down to D.C. and whup some ass against the Redskins.” I’M SHAKING IN MY BOOTS! Everybody in burgundy and gold should be worried about over eager mall security guard Lane Johnson and his corny-ass editorials.

Just look at this clownsmanship.

*probably crushes Adderall then snorts it through Chip Kelly’s smoothie straw

Last year was screwed up. I got suspended last season for testing positive for a supplement I thought was approved. I have serious issues with the NFL and the NFL Players Association for the way my sample was handled and processed, but the end result was that the league suspended me for 10 games.

Why are you arresting me officer? I thought sniffing cocaine through this hooker’s ass crack was totally cool. I gotta say, I’m flummoxed.

That experience of being on the sidelines — and the humiliation of being asked about it on a daily basis (and I’m still hearing about it from fans on Twitter) — hasn’t been for nothing. It forced me to reevaluate not just my suspension, but also how I carried myself in general. At times in my career I’ve lost focus.Well, I’m done with that.

What the f*ck is he even talking about? Getting busted for PEDs makes you re-evaluate how you “carry yourself?” Pro-tip: Just take that cream to the team doctor and ask “is this legal?”

In other words, this situation has lit a fire under my ass.

That burning could just be a syringe still stuck in his left ass cheek.

Then he masturbates over how “edgy and honest” Eagles fans are for a few paragraphs.

On to the good stuff...

the roster we have now is filled with guys on both sides of the ball who play Eagles football — not least of which is our quarterback, Bear Grylls … uh, Carson Wentz.

Bear Grylls? You mean a phony who drinks his own piss?

He’ll always show up in the locker room looking like he’s ready to scale Kilimanjaro — camo hat, boots, backpack with a bunch of hooks on it — which is why I’ve taken to calling him Bear Grylls.

He sounds like every high school douche whose parents bought them a jacked-up Chevy Silverado, thinks Jason Aldean is good music and jerks off into every new Yeti product that comes out.

On the field, he runs like a damn deer

and looks like a damn alpaca

We got a few weapons for him in the off-season that are going to add a dynamic to our offense that we haven’t had since I’ve been here. Alshon and Torrey have nothing to prove to anyone in this league.

The offense-less Bears didn’t want Alshon, and Torrey Smith is on his 40th team.

And then there’s LeGarrette Blount, who’s bringing 18 rushing touchdowns and a Super Bowl ring with him from New England.

At least somebody has a Super Bowl ring in Philly, AMIRITE?!?!

Let me tell you what’s going to happen in a couple of weeks:

Oh do tell

This team is going to go down to D.C. and whup some ass against the Redskins. We’re going to surprise some people.

Ha! He’s right, it would be surprising to have the Eagles whup some ass.

Junior Gallete is getting his beach belt out just for you Lane. I can’t wait for it to be on Worldstar.

You know, if Kirk Cousins was paid just off what he did to the Eagles, he’d already be inked to a $600 million, 20-year contract. Kirk fluctuates between very good and Jake Delhomme , depending on whether we’re playing the Giants or not...but as soon as the Eagles are on the other side, he morphs into Tom Brady.

He’s a superhero twice a year.

And the best part about this recent stretch of Kirk-led Eagles dominating by the Redskins is that Eagles fans think it’s a glitch in the system. A lot of “LOLSkins”, “Dumpster fire of a team”, and my new personal favorite “WFT” going on at Bleeding Green Nation. They’re honestly confused as to why they’ve caught five Ls in a row. Like getting stomped by the Redskins is something new for Philadelphia.

Just hear it from the neckbeards.

I’m worried for his mental stability if the Eagles lose.

Look, Eagles fans, you had a stretch of competence for a decade that was lead by Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid...two men you all hate with a white-hot passion. You’d rather lay off WaWa sandwiches for a year than admit those two were useful.

But since then it’s been Chip Kelly deporting your best players and Doug Pederson being the least qualified coach ever.

Just accept it. The Giants own the Redskins, the Eagles own the Giants, they all split with the Cowboys and the Redskins own the Eagles. The universe is back in balance.

Redskins win 24-17.