I’m mentally exhausted. This team is draining to keep up with. If you’re a regular reader, writer, commenter or lurker on this site I’m sure you feel about the same.
Following the Redskins on a daily basis is insane. The last nine months of being a Redskins fan has been a horrid experience.
Without looking up the exact timeline of events from January to now, it’s gone something like this.
- The Redskins come out flat and unprepared to play a division rival, at home, with the playoffs on the line.
- Kirk Cousins throws a dick tumor of an interception to ice the game.
- Our beloved General Manager is told not to come to the Combine.
- Our not-beloved Team President says the GM is taking care of his 100-year old grandmother who died weeks before.
- Our GM is fired and dragged through the mud.
- Kirk is franchised again, causing Redskins Fan Civil War Part 5, as we go back-and-forth about what his salary should be.
- We have a good draft.
- Our not-beloved Team President doesn’t get a LTD done with Kurt by the 4:00 deadline, and at 4:05 drops the press conference equivalent of dysentery, simply so he can paint the starting QB as a greedy asshole.
- Our first round WR from last year gets hurt every other day.
- Our second round safety from last year quits at 22, a week before the season starts.
- The team opens up the season at home against division rival Philly and shits out a carbon copy of the season-ending Giants game, complete with back-breaking interception.
- This loss is replayed over-and-over on Twitter by the 12,000 amateur Redskins film analysts who show us in slo-motion GIFs how we got our shit pushed in. “You see, right here is the moment Kirk shit in his pants. The defense was in a cover-2.”
Think about it. I, and all of you, spent the last nine months dissecting, from every possible angle, all of the above bullet points until we’re blue in the face. We spend so long playing fantasy GM, or debating salary cap percentages, or mock drafting, that by the time the actual game happens, I’m out of energy to expend on it.
And when an open-mouthed Jay Gruden leads another flaccid penis of a team out on the field to embarrass themselves, I can only tune out. I’ve reached the saturation point. This team is ‘The Walking Dead.’ There are no heroes and no happy endings. There are only people who you wish hadn’t been killed and those you hope get killed but you know will somehow survive.
I’ve spent enough time ranting about the Redskins. Onto this week’s opponent, the Los Angeles Sean McVay’s. Let’s talk about Sean for just a second. He’s garnered this reputation as some offensive prodigy because he’s 31 and looks like a Crossfitter. Trust me, he’s no genius...unless his plan was to call the shittiest offensive game plans of his life in weeks 15-17 last year and get hired as a HC, in which case bravo.
But Rams fans, allow me to forewarn you, these are the things you will find yourself screaming at Sean McVay during the season (because he is Jay Gruden Jr.):
“ RUN THE FUCKING BALL SEAN!”
“A GOD DAMN FADE TO TAVON AUSTIN!”
“2.1 YARDS PER CARRY FOR A TOP-10 PICK RUNNING BACK!” -Ok, this totally would have been said if you lost to the Colts.
Jared Goff may put up some nice stats versus the Colts and 49ers this season, but like any McVay offense, Goff will be put into some impossible situations. When the Rams play the Seahawks, McVay will run roughly 6 times for 3 yards, while Goff drops back in an empty set 49 times, throwing 4 picks. It’ll be great. Then fans of the LA football teams can go back to not paying attention to LA football teams and paying attention to Lavar Ball.
So what’ll happen this Sunday? Glad you asked. And by the way, I’ve re-calibrated my prediction brain.
The Redskins are not the Colts. They actually have a defense this year, which is surprisingly competent at stopping the run.
Todd Gurley’s first carry will go for 1.5 yards, at which point McVay will burn the section of the playbook labeled ‘Run.’ Then McVay will go 4-wide out of the shotgun, making for a quick three-and-out and a flipped field.
Junior Gallete, Preston Smith and Ryan Kerrigan sack Goff six times, turning him over three times.
Jay Gruden sticks to the run for one of his four allotted games per year he allows himself to. Samaje Perine has his coming out party for 110 yards and 2 TDs.
Redskins win 23-13.