clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Hating with H8: Bruce Allen Edition

F*ck Bruce Allen

Washington Redskins Press Conference Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images

Bruce Allen is Donald Trump, Jr. He’s in a position of power because of his father. He has the haircut of an 80’s movie villain. He’s breathtakingly stupid. And when he’s completely f*cked into a corner he releases idiotic statements to the press.

Bruce Allen has a worse record as a Redskins executive than Vinnie Cerrato. He pretends to be the “adult in the room.” Cerrato never pretended to be anything other than what he was, an unapologetic yes man. Allen is a yes man, but only to his own ego. His mask, made of a salesman’s smile and a senator’s hair, have melted away to expose the petulant, spoiled man-baby he is.

Bruce Allen is an ineffectual leader. A good executive doesn’t worry about taking all of the credit, rather, heaps praise to his subordinates when a job is well done. Scot McCloughan and Kirk Cousins, the two constants of the Redskins only back-to-back winning seasons since I was in middle school, are now painted as the raging alcoholic and the unreasonable money-grubber. Meanwhile, Bruce Allen was probably seven Coors Lights deep when he hit SEND on that back alley abortion of a PR statement.

Bruce Allen is a conman, a liar and a coward. Bruce Allen has conned Dan Snyder into thinking he needs his services...for...something? A stadium deal? Cities and states practically bend over and call you daddy for the right to have you screw over their taxpayers. Go to a used car lot and get the first sales guy who smells like Cool Water and Parliament Lights, there, you’ve got someone who can get you a stadium deal. Oh, by the way, they won’t turn your beloved GM and Pro Bowl QB into the football equivalent of Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian.

Bruce Allen said Scot McCloughan would be back at work after he dealt with his grandmother’s death. He lied.

Bruce Allen said getting a deal done with Kirk was easy. He lied.

Bruce Allen said Scot McCloughan would be in charge of personnel. He lied.

Bruce Allen was jealous of the praise Scot McCloughan received. He’s a bitch.

Bruce Allen thinks Kirk Cousins is a product of his own hand-picked coach’s genius and his roster building acumen, not worthy of top dollar. He’s an idiot.

Bruce Allen had a good run of gaslighting the fanbase from 2009-2014. With a friendly smile he’ll assure you he has nothing to do with the RGIII drama. With a wink he’ll shake your hand and tell you it was in the team’s best interest to part ways with the alcoholic GM. With grey chest hairs popping out, he’ll try to convince you that the reason we don’t have a QB is because he’s dealing with an impossible agent and malcontent money-grubber.

Bruce Allen is not and has never been the victim, or bystander of drama-filled days in Ashburn. He’s the fire starter. He’s the silver-haired straw that stirs the poisonous drink we all chug by the gallons.

The last remaining piece of the veneer has chipped off. The rotten root of Bruce Allen is finally, at last, completely exposed. There’s no one else to throw in front of the bus now, Bruce. It’s just you, your lies, your cowardice and your ego. May they serve you well in your next endeavor as ex-Redskins team president.