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Hating with H8: Philadelphia Eagles Edition

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iH8dallas previews Monday night’s game against the Sh*t Birds

Arizona Cardinals v Philadelphia Eagles Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images

I haven’t had to work on a Sunday in quite some time, much less a Sunday when the Redskins were playing.

Luckily, the event I was attending on behalf of my employer had a bar, with a number of televisions in it. Even more lucky, the Redskins game was on.

Now generally speaking, I’m a dramatic mess during Redskins games. As they start I pace the floor. I clap loud, like, really loud. Loud enough to wake our one-year old, which my wife seems to object to. I fall to the ground like I’m auditioning for the role of a mother who found out her son was just murdered. I call my dad at halftime. Then by the end of the game I need NyQuil to sleep. It’s an ordeal.

So as last week’s game started, I had to keep cool while entertaining clients and networking. When the Redskins went up 17-0 I felt a calm come over me. I can hold myself together for this one.

17-3. Whatever, who cares. 17-10, okay, now my attention is really peaked. 17-17. GOD DAMMIT! One time. Can I just have one time to act like a normal human during one of these games? When San Francisco was driving, down 24-26, I was sweating profusely and chugging water by the gallon. I literally thought my heart was going to explode.

After the game I called my dad. I told him that grandpa didn’t have multiple heart attacks because of hereditary heart disease. It was because he was a Redskins fan...I’m convinced. My dad used to have to remind him to take his valium before games, because everyone thought he would keel over sometime during the third quarter.

I’m hoping this Monday is different. I can’t have severe chest pains while that Llama Llama Red Pajamas looking motherfucker converts 3rd downs. Ryan Kerrigan and Preston Smith better put an end to that Llama drama.

And for as good as the Eagles have been this season, all I ever hear about are their perceived boogeymen.

In 2014 it was Chris Baker. “HE HIT NICK FOLES ON A FOOTBALL FIELD! NOT FAIR!”

In 2016 it was DeShazor Everett. “HE HIT DARREN SPROLES ON A FOOTBALL FIELD! HE SHOULD BE BANNED!”

This year it’s Pete Morelli. *Puts out Marlboro light in empty Miller Lite can

“HE CALLED OBVIOUS PENALTIES AGAINST US! THERE SHOULD BE AN INVESTIGATION!”

“THESE CARGO PANTS ONLY HOLD THREE CANS OF CHEESE WHIZ! I’M SUING WALMART!”

“SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT THE NUMBER 11 LOOKS BAD ON FAT PEOPLE!”

The ‘Wentz for MVP’ talk comes to an end.

Trent and Scherff put a little shrinkage into LongCox.

Kirk remembers that he owns this team.

33-27 Skins