Another Autumn of fun and excitement is upon us ladies and gentlemen. So much has changed since Eddie Lacy was running free through FedEx Field...well, Pittsburgh fans are coming week one, so I guess overweight dudes with tight jerseys at FedEx hasn't really changed.
BUT, the Redskins team is now better prepared to handle said fat asses (and I don't mean by twirling our own burgundy towels or passing out complimentary insulin needles). The defense is improved via huge free agency signing, we drafted a first rounder at a position that we're four deep at,and half the fan base thinks Kirk Cousins is Becky with the good hair.
Steelers fans are the Cowboys fans of the rust belt, but instead of rooting for a school they could never afford, like Duke, they root for a school they can't get into even after their two years at community college...Ohio State.
Pittsburgh is the official team of West Virginia. It's the city that bumpkins from Wheeling, Weirton and Steubenville go to when their local Wal-Mart will no longer fill their Oxy scrips, or when they want to leave 48 tons of garbage in the Heinz Field parking lot because Kenny Chesney. And usually when I think of 48 tons of garbage in Pittsburgh, I think about eating a Primanti Brothers sandwich.
But enough about Pittsburgh's two biggest exports, garbage and opiod addiction, let's focus on football.
The key matchup in this game is going to be the dreadlocks of Matt Jones and Robert Kelley against Steelers assistant coach Mike Munchak. Coach Munchak pulls hair "the right way." There's a standard to follow. But don't sleep on the return game versus Mike Tomlin's four sizes too big wind pants stepping on the field. Could be a major factor. And don't underestimate the effects of smug Steelers fans wafting their own farts with those Terrible Towels. It can really be a distraction...especially when those farts smell like warm Iron City and the weekly special from Eat 'N' Park.
Interested in what the Steelers fans are saying about the start of the season? Me too. Let's take a look:
#stairwaytoseven pic.twitter.com/LLidVI6ZoO— Evan McGrew (@EasyE_72) September 7, 2016
That's god awful. These fat f*cks think it's their birthright to watch their team win a Superbowl. I hope they never get to seven. I'd almost like to see the Cowboys pass them because somehow they'd be less insufferable.
Contrary to all the Steelers fans circle-jerking about "traveling well" being "the best fans in football", half these calf-length sock-wearing-hillbillies aren't even aware of the fact that Troy Polomalu retired. I had a co-worker even tell me that "Troy never even watched film. He just went out there and played the Steeler way." Oh f*ck you. This asshole was born in Durham and roots for UNC and the Atlanta Braves. Jumping on a bandwagon doesn't mean you "travel well." We all know you didn't pack up the 2012 Dodge Ram that you are behind payments on, and hit the highway from Pittsburgh just to cheer on the white Bill Cosby.
Predictions for the game:
Preston Smith locks Ben Roethlisberger in a bathroom while Chris Baker and Ziggy Hood guard the door.