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Hating With H8: NFC East Off Season

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Hogs Haven is here to clown the rest of the NFC East and their terrible off seasons.

Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a long and boring winter, spring and summer on the horizon. But football never stops. You think I can take time to focus on things like my career and family? NOPE! Mark Tyler thinks Pierre Garcon is doodoo and I must do everything in my power to prove him wrong...again.

But there comes a time when we must stop yelling at each other over how much Kirk Cousins should be paid, and do what really matters...laugh at the Cowboys, Giants and Eagles.

So let's get to it.

THE GIANTS:

Seriously though, the Giants are the most garbage team that nobody talks about. Think about it. Over the past four years the Redskins have two division titles and the Giants have zero. Say it out loud. You don't even believe it do you? Check your facts. Over the past four years they've gone 9-7, 7-9, 6-10 and 6-10. They're the Rams without the defense.

And count the Giants defenders who scares you. Actually, just name a Giants defender. Take it a step further...name a Giants linebacker.

This team has been decimated by an incompetent GM. But instead of firing him (you know, stability and all that) they get rid of a two-time Super Bowl winning coach. And who do they replace him with? Some guy who looks like he's been told to "have a seat" by Chris Hansen.

That dude is definitely going 5-11 next year.

THE EAGLES:

Every few years the Eagles do something really stupid that the Redskins did a decade earlier. But when I warn Eagles fans that what the Eagles are doing is stupid I'm met with the following:

*Breath smells like Yuengling and Camel Menthols

"Nnamdi, Cullen Jenkins, Vince Young and Jason Babin are good signings!"

*My breath smells like a locally brewed IPA, very classy

"Um, the Redskins did this like ten years ago and it ruined the team."

The Eagles went 8-8, then 4-12 and the best coach in their history was fired.

*Breath smells like cheese whiz and Soboxene

"In Chip we trust!"

*Breath smells like an expensive bourbon

"That clown is going to crash and burn, just like Spurrier."

And once again I was correct. Now the Eagles are stuck with no offensive linemen, no DeSean Jackson, no Jeremy Maclin, no Shady McCoy, no Brandon Boykin...hell, they don't even have Riley Cooper anymore. The Eagles are hoping that Doug Pederson---A F*CKING ANDY REID COORDINATOR---can make something out of Nelson Agholor and maybe Sam Bradford? Maybe Chase Daniel, I'm not sure.

This will end well. I can't wait.

THE COWBOYS:

Seriously, there needs to be an intervention. And I mean for all parties involved,their fans, their players, the media...everybody.

Everything about the Cowboys is blown out of proportion.

For example, this is a real article from 2015.

The 4-9 Dallas Cowboys have a very reasonable scenario in which they win out, finish 7-9, tied with one or more teams and wins the division due to various tiebreakers

No, that shit is and was not "very reasonable." It was on the other hand "very stupid."

How about this beauty, entitled "Cowboys essentially have three first rounders."

Aside from the countless mock drafts that projected Collins to go in the first round, several draft experts gave Collins a first-round ranking. Of course, the Cowboys also selected Byron Jones with the 27th overall pick and a first-round talent in defensive end Randy Gregory with the 60th overall selection.

Well, if the COUNTLESS MOCK DRAFTS said so! How did sort of first rounder Randy Gregory do? Zero sacks. That would have been great if he were an offensive lineman.

Speaking of Randy Gregory, looks like he'll miss the first four games of the season. Looking at his stat line it looks like he missed the first 16 of 2015 as well. Eleven tackles and zero sacks.

How did the Redskins "other first rounder" do? 35 tackles, eight sacks and three forced fumbles. So does that make Preston Smith, like, a quadruple-sort-of-in-theory-first-rounder?

Oh and stop with the "But the Cowboys would have won the division if Tony Romo and Dez Bryant were healthy!"

And Charlie Sheen wouldn't have HIV if he hadn't have been plugging hookers and sniffing booger sugar for a quarter century.

Just stop, Cowboys fans. Romo is destined to be carted off the field in week five, after laying on the field looking like he's about to get painted by Leonardo DiCaprio somewhere in the bowels of the Titanic. Then your season will be over, even though you half wits will be coming up with mathematically impossible scenarios in which the Cowboys win the division. To top it off, Jerry will extend Tony to another 7-year, $300 million contract.

It's gonna be awesome.

Happy off season everyone.