Mel Kiper, Jr. Unveils New Hairstyle for Draft Night

Death, taxes and Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair.

With all the style and grace of a mid-1970's mobster, Mel Kiper's hair has rocked the draft day stage every year for as long as I can remember. There's just something about questioning a professional general manager's sanity on national television that seems to demand a certain...serious quaff of hair.

It is not enough to roll your eyes and purse your lips anymore...not when you have guys like Todd McShay and his frat-boy hairstyle questioning your every move. Kiper's famous indignant facial expressions have always been topped best with a hairstyle that appears even more indignant than his face. At first, you may be tempted to believe that the tinted sunglasses covering the squinty eyes are due to the long hours Kiper must spend at the horse track, handicapping race after race over a plate of pancakes and an ocean of syrup. In reality, it is all an elaborate attempt to keep other features from drawing attention away from the real moneymaker. (Horse track syrup is actually the secret ingredient to his homemade hair product.)

Few men in the draft prognostication game have waved their hands as furiously, or sighed as loudly after COLOSSAL mistakes were made on draft day. Every time I wonder how he can even walk down the street in the light of day--given the powerful people he has insulted on the air over the years--I am reminded that for most of the year, Kiper appears on TV from a remote location. His spots on the air are regular messages to the world that say, "I might not be welcome to join my colleagues on the set. The threats to my life may be real...but this hair was born camera-ready!"

How does one pull off the impossible task of looking like a mid-level hitman while simultaneously looking like a guy in the witness protection program? One word: hair (the two-packs-a-day cigarette habit his hairdo has also contribute to this phenomenon).

Why change something that has worked so well for so long? We're talking about a man who embodies everything there is about taking a stand and defending it no matter what anyone else on the planet thinks or says. (Don't get him started on his theories about the hit series Lost...)

This man's guns stick to him. (Some of those guns are actually licensed to his hair.)

It's a new day for the NFL Draft. It remains to be seen if the new 'do will command the same respect as the old one, but one thing is certain:

If Mel Kiper, Jr. thinks this new hairstyle is the right way to go, approximately 71% of the world disagrees.

Happy first day of April. (h/t to Kevin who did the corn rows picture!)