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If you're new to Hogs Haven, or have no sense of decorum, you may have read one of these before. Before games I write a few paragraphs cracking on the week's opposing team and their fans.
This year Ken has made the awful mistake of allowing these on the front page. But before I focus on Houston, we all need to take a look at ourselves. Yes, that means you Redskins fan. And who better to hate on Redskins and their fans? We hate our team and each other more than any Giants fan ever could. Don't believe me? I don't have the stats in front of me, but there has never been a fight at FedEx between a Skins fan and a fan of an opposing team. I don't think it's ever happened. Instead we'd rather pound each others heads in...probably over whether or not Brian Orakpo is a top-ten pass rusher.
There's even a viral tumbler from 2012 simply titled 'Sucker Punched at FedEx Field.' After the joy of beating Dallas, at home, to clinch a home playoff game...we punch each other in the face. FedEx Field just brings out the shit bag in everyone. Aside from my dad, I've never once sat beside someone in those stands who was a pleasant person. They are always either drunk and obnoxious, sober and smug, or drunk and passed out (if I'm so lucky). Imagine Rick James and Pete Campbell from Mad Men had a baby. That's your typical fan at FedEx.
And we hate our own players. And save EXTRA hate for the ones who actually are worth a shit. Brian Orakpo? RELEASE HIM! Rob Jackson is better. DeAngelo Hall? BURNT TOAST! Who cares about all those interceptions, and touchdowns, and shutting down Dez Bryant? HE'S OVERPAID! Trent Williams? Not elite. He gave up a sack that one time. RGIII? Oh holy sh*t, then there's RGIII.
RGIII could throw 30 TD passes in the NFC Championship Game against Seattle, piss in Richard Sherman's mouth after the game and then save a baby from a burning car and half the fans would still clamor for Kirk Cousins.
I'd honestly be more comfortable with Cousins starting week one in Houston for the #Redskins.
— Chris (@ChrisToTheHess) August 24, 2014
Just make the change.
— Chris (@ChrisToTheHess) August 24, 2014
What a douche.
Redskins fans have literally spent three years debating whether or not the cost of RGIII was actually two or three first round picks. And every keyboard cowboy tries to prove who's right with 3rd grade math.
"If I gave you a $5 bill and you gave me back $3, then I bought something for $2."
"If three first rounders are on a train going 60 miles per hour, and two first rounder are on another train going 40 miles per hour."
I'm almost positive some dipshit at The University of Maryland has written a dissertation on the subject.
And half of the commenters on any Redskins online forum are convinced they are the GM and their opinion will sway the team. They probably get up in the morning, put on a suit, crack their knuckles and think "Today is gonna be the day. They're going to sign Jarius Byrd, just like I suggested. God damn I'm good."
And Jesus, the team doesn't do us any favors.
/looks at Redskins Twitter feed
//hides Redskins helmet in my office
They have the social media awareness of the NRA. From #RedskinsPride, to putting this gem on Instagram in the middle of the name change debate,
the Redskins PR Department always finds a new and creative way to humiliate us all.
But thankfully it's a new season. We have DeSean Jackson! RGIII is healthy. The defense has practiced tackling this summer. Mike Shanahan is probably calling Matt Miller and telling him RGIII takes shits in his teammates lockers for fun. GOOD TIMES!
Here's to a fun 2014.