The Suspense Is Killing Me

So, it’s the day before the draft and a strange feeling has settled over me. No, I’m not talking about cold feet or anything—this is not the unholy Cutler-Cavallari union. The feeling is something like the calm before the awesomest storm ever. And it’s entirely unfamiliar to me this time of year, probably because I never trust the Redskins to stick to the draft plan, or to have one at all.

But Thursday night will be different, thank the Lord. The Colts’ declared intention to take Andrew Luck virtually guarantees that Robert Griffin III will sport burgundy and gold for the foreseeable future. The uncertainty has all but evaporated, and with it, the suspense.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the certainty of RG3 over suspense any day of the week—or year, for that matter. And yet, I can’t help but wax nostalgic for the nail-biting, brow-furrowing, sweaty-upper-lip-inducing lead-up to draft night.

Like watching Davidson (my alma mater) in the 2008 NCAA tournament, the first round of the NFL draft has always been an event I prefer to watch alone. I’m just too damn nervous and tweaked-out to watch with anyone else. Crouched over my laptop like a near-sighted Quasimodo, I spend most of the evening frantically reorganizing my picks as one by one players come off the board.

Why? Besides the now-obvious fact that I’m an obsessive hunchback, I get all anxious about the draft because it’s the point at which the upcoming season seems most promising. Sort of like when I hear there’s a new Lil Wayne track out, and I’m pumped until I press play and discover the same old song.

Except that this season will give us something novel to look forward to, even if it's no longer a surprise. Luckily, the rest of the league is still scrambling to put the finishing touches on draft boards and contingency plans, making for plenty of speculation and drama to go around. Here are some pressing questions to add suspense to your evening:

What team is going to take Ryan Tannehill way too high?

How long will it take you to hate on the Cowboys' selection? Reaction times measured in milliseconds.

Will the Saints' pick heave an audible sigh?

How long will it take Skins fans to make RG3 shirts and license plates? Oh, wait...

Who will sport the biggest diamond studs? And the biggest diamond watch?

How many times can you hear the term "war room" before you start losing brain cells?

Is there a first-round NFL draftee as classically handsome as Anthony Davis? Unlikely.

And, of course, what socks will RG3 wear?