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A Confederacy of Dysfunction

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The Redskins are a mess. They're in good—er, bad—company.

Rob Carr

If NFL divisions were lady pop singers, the NFC North would be the polished and genuinely talented Adele. The NFC East? We're Blackout-era Britney circa 2008. The shaved-head, smeared-makeup, can't-get-out-of-a-cab-without-flashing-hoo-ha days.

The NFC North is the Nate Silver of divisions, while the NFC East called the election for Romney because the Redskins lost on Sunday. If this was the NBA, the NFC North is Gregg Popovich and the NFC East is Nick Young's hair. Anyway, you get my point.

Excepting the Giants, who have notable problems of their own, NFC East teams are hurtling toward comical depths of calamity. Collectively, they've won three of their last 15 games. Here's a recent lowlight reel from each team:

Philadelphia Eagles (3-5)

  • Philly faced four first-and-goals against the 25th-ranked New Orleans defense. Combined, those four trips yielded seven points... for the Saints.
  • Mike Vick's fourth red-zone turnover of the year came on a first-quarter interception. The crap icing on top of the sh*t cake came when he crouched for an awkwardly low block, which failed to prevent the pick six, but succeeded in earning a 15-yard penalty.
  • Marcus Vick lost his gourd on Twitter. It was glorious.
  • Andy Reid watching his QB get sacked seven times looks a lot like a walrus doing anything.

Dallas Cowboys (3-5)

  • Tony Romo leads the league with 13 interceptions. On a related note: HA!
  • ESPN has five reporters covering the Cowboys, yet "Dez Bryant stays out past midnight" was the best news all week.
  • A red-faced, boiling-mad Jerry Jones got locked out of the Cowboys locker room following the loss to Atlanta. It was an "accident." Just imagine the billionaire septuagenarian banging on the door, froth on his narrow lips, furious that he can make someone clean his glasses but can't make his own team let him in. If that doesn't make you smile, I don't know what more I can do for you people!
  • Jones was also forced to admit that he'd fire the Cowboys GM if it were anyone but himself. A banner week, indeed.

Washington Redskins (3-6)

  • Ten minutes, 17 plays, 80 yards, ZERO points. I couldn't make this up.
  • Washington has racked up a league-high 75 penalties for 649 yards, including two negated touchdowns in the fourth quarter of Sunday's loss. Washington is Rasheed Wallace.
  • Roy Helu, Fred Davis, Adam Carriker, Chris Neild, Jonathan Goff, Brian Orakpo, and Jordan Bernstine are done for the season. Tanard Jackson is suspended indefinitely. Pierre Garcon, Brandon Meriweather, and Jammal Brown have missed most of the season. I don't know what's worse: missing these guys or the fact that so many were starters in the first place.
  • In the world's most over-analyzed statement, Mike Shanahan implied that the season is all over but the shouting and that the final games would be played for personnel evaluation. Everyone is pissed. Shanahan should have known that everyone would be pissed. And everyone should have known that he was right.
  • Ahh, how could I forget about this?