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Redskins Impose a Tax On Fans Looking to Drown Their Frustrations

As our country's economy has tumbled in recent years, costing thousands of Americans their jobs and lifestyles, one job has remained as secure and untouchable as Kevin's virginity. The person responsible for setting beer prices at FedEx Field has as good a chance of being fired as the Redskins have of winning the Super Bowl in 2011.

I imagine the accounting/finance meetings go like this:

Dan Snyder: We have eliminated thousands of seats at FedEx. We have not had a contending team in years and so I can't very well raise ticket prices. Hell, we are struggling to sell out the seats we have.  What are we going to do?

Vinny Cerrato(via hidden conference call speaker): Brett Favre is still available!

(Dan Snyder smacks the hang-up button on the conference phone and tries to play it off with a nervous laugh.)

Dan Snyder: Hehehehe...funny joke guys.

Vinny Cerrato (this time from a hidden speaker inside Dan Snyder's jacket pocket): I bet Cincinnati would trade us Carson Palmer for a 1st and a 2nd!! Better throw in an extra future know...just to make sure.

(Dan Snyder frantically tries to hang up the phone in his pocket.)

Snyder: Hehe...let's get serious guys. What are we going to do?

Guy Whose Job It Is To Raise Beer Prices: Why don't we charge more for beer? We could up the price for the beers sold by the vendors. If Shanahan follows through on his threat to start John Beck this season, we could make MILLIONS!

After a brief pause in the board room, the entire group erupts in applause and cheers.


"Why didn't I think of that?"

"So obvious..."

Yep...the $9 beer era is here. Before I get crushed by some of you out there eager to point out that expensive beer is not exclusive to FedEx, let me just say that I know this and I also know I am not obligated to buy any beer at FedEx. Further, I understand that these decisions are not made in the manner I have playfully described (come on...I haven't bashed Vinny in weeks...don't I get to have a little fun every once in a while?)

That said...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

I suppose I should also clarify that I don't need to drink to have a good time. But sometimes I need to drink to avoid having a bad time. Like when the Eagles are up by 40 points, or when an offensive lineman picks up a fumble and tries to do his best John Riggins impression. How about when we call two timeouts in a row? (I love you Joe Gibbs!) What about a botched snap on an extra point attempt that would have sent the game to overtime? You get the picture...and I haven't even gotten to any hypothetical situations.

"BEER MAN!!!" That is what I yell after moments like these (assuming beer is still being sold at that point of the game.) Now those two little words are going to cost me more than ever.

I would love to swear that I will never buy a $9 beer. I would love to make an oath not to fork over that kind of dough for 12-16 ounces of medicine on a cold Sunday afternoon. The truth is I have frivolously wasted my money in far worse ways (I still stand by my decision to be an early adopter for the Sega Dreamcast.) The truth is that $9 for a shot of liquid comfort is a steal--given the discomfort I have experienced at FedEx over the years. But I still take issue with the fact that after participating in carving up the $9 billion dollar NFL pie, the Redskins are asking their fans to pony up more for a beer.

So I will try to resist the urge to raise my hand when the beer vendor comes around this season. I will try and discourage all the ladies from buying me beers as well (mission pre-accomplished!) But as soon as we throw for three yards on a 3rd and 5, it will get tough. As soon as we send the opening kickoff out of bounds, I will start to get the shakes. As soon as we find ourselves quickly down to a division rival that we openly mocked before the kickoff, I might have to succumb to the temptress ways of the $9 beer. ( hypothetical situations were used or harmed in the making of this article.)

How do you tell your kid he has to go to community college because John Beck was the starting quarterback in 2011?

Seriously...I need to know.