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Ken Meringolo's Lockout Diary -- Day 4

Yeah, sticking with the title...looking for a sponsor though. Any readers of Hogs Haven who have a small business and wish to promote it through a sponsorship of my Lockout Diary can apply by emailing us at As Kramer famously said, "Interesting trades considered." (But not the Craigslist definition of interesting trades.)

Imagine..."Ken Meringolo's Lockout Diary--Day 5 Presented by Rekka's House of Kabob". Good luck keeping up with the throngs of customers after that sweet baby drops on the interweb.

Soooooo...Monday came and went without any real newsworthy labor-related events. But I had a newsworthy thought. I can't believe this already didn't occur to me. After all, I am the biggest sucker when it comes to trumped up drama. And it was there the whole time...right in the title:

Brady vs the National Football League

In one corner: a cadre of rich, white dudes that own football teams, major corporations, huge stadiums and vast economic empires.

In the other corner: A dude who pretty much exclusively impregnates supermodels and actresses, a guy who--in addition to resetting the standard by which all quarterbacks will be judged--is a runaway hit as a corporate endorsement whore, and a dude who plays football with video game-type precision on the field, and rocks the male version of the Cindy Crawford beauty mark off the field, to the tune of huge endorsement deals. Of course we are talking about Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, the faces of the NFL Players in this whole thing.

I mean, this case is going to be must-see TV, right? I know, I know...the longer this drags out and the closer we get to court, the lesser the chance we have of getting football in 2011. Despite what each side is begging for me to believe, I have no control over how long or short this thing is going to last. I will say that what I care about most is that they get this thing fixed and get back on the field. But after that, what I care about most is:

Will Gisele be in the courtroom? Will she be rocking her librarian look like when she was in "The Devil Wears Prada"? Or will she be going with more traditional Brazilian a bikini thong?

When Peyton takes the stand, will he raise both hands in the air taking the oath, like he does before he calls an audible at the line of scrimmage? Will he speed up and slow down his answers to throw off opposing counsel? Will he become enraged when the court stenographer asks him to slow down because she can't keep up, causing him to question how he is supposed to properly and effectively go about the business of stating his case?

Will Drew Brees be so deadly accurate in his explanation of the players side of things (because, you know, he is known for his accuracy) that the owners' lawyers will be forced to object multiple times? Struggling to think of more Drew Brees stuff...maybe he builds a playground for kids in the courtroom? One thing I know for sure...if there is going to be any moment when the courtroom erupts in spontaneous, rhythmic clapping--like so many 80's movies--it will be because of something Drew Brees says.

And on the owner's side, come on...there are simply too many rich, white dudes for there not be some INSANELY SCANDALOUS shenanigans unearthed. Between now and the time when this thing hits Court TV, somebody from one of the NFL's 32 front offices is going to blow a whistle that is going to put this case into OJ territory. Right? Am I the only one thinking this? And while this space is not intended to pile on Dan Snyder in any way, let's all just for a second consider which owner may be such things.

I'm kind of shocked this did not hit me until Day 4 to be kind of honest with you guys. Some owners in this league are highly respected men who have done much to earn that respect, like just about anyone with the last name Rooney. But others are...well...not as respected. And if and when some of those guys start getting some spotlight--get yer' popcorn ready y'all.

As suggested by Young Joseph--currently playing Beirut at an AAA level--I'll try and make a daily viewing suggestion for the evening.

At 9 PM tonight, Comedy Central is airing a rerun of the South Park episode, "Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina." There is even a sports tie-in to this episode that centers around Mr. Garrison's sex change--Kyle struggles with being Jewish on the basketball court.