In case you missed it, Jim Zorn recently interviewed for the Seattle Offensive Coordinator position. Via a source, I was able to receive a word-for-word transcription. Enjoy.
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Pete Carroll:
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"Jim. Thanks for flying out." |
Zorn: |
"Gee, thanks for having me. I love this. Do any Hollywood stars come to Seattle games? Meeting Tom Cruise was the best!" |
| Pete Carroll: | "Um. No. Let's talk football. I was reviewing some game film from your time in Washington, and I noticed that 85% of your runs were to the left side." |
| Zorn: | "Gosh. Well, I am left-handed you know. That's my nature I guess. Haha. Wow, that's so funny. L.O.L." |
| Pete Carroll: | "You don't actually say 'L.O.L.' It's a text message shortcut. Anyway, I was struggling to understand why you had Clinton Portis throwing the ball on 3rd and 5 from the 5 versus that one game against the Rams." |
| Zorn: | "I thought Portis gave us a better chance than Jason Campbell. Jason had trouble making reads on wide open guys." |
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Pete Carroll:
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"Wait. What?" |
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Zorn:
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"I mean. Jason struggled to even see a 6-foot wide neon balls that I threw at his face...that's my famous "balls to the face" drill! Google it! |
| (pause) | |
| Zorn: | "Hey, gosh. I'm the one that wanted to trade 3 first round draft picks for Sanchez. I dealt the cards that were played to me." |
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Pete Carroll:
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(pause) "It's play the cards that were..... nevermind. Ok, why don't you explain to me your routine of preparing for a game and watching film." |
| Zorn: | "OK. First thing I do, and boy, it's important not to screw this up, is stop by Starbucks and pickup the owner's triple grande vanilla skim soy milk latte and Mr. Cerrato's hot chocolate with whipped cream. Then, I get to Redskins Park, hit play on the game film and take notes as the owner and Mr. Cerrato tell me which players we need to sign now and for next year." |
| Pete Carroll: | "I wasn't asking about year-end meetings." |
| Zorn: | "What's a year end meeting?" |
| Pete Carroll: | "You don't believe anything that happend to me in USC do you?" |
| Zorn: | "What's a USC?" |
| Pete Carroll: | "HAHA. YES. Exactly. If I told you I wanted a certain unrestricted free agent player before free agency started, and I wanted you to talk to him the week before, what would you do?" |
| Zorn: | "Gosh, Pete. I can't say I really understand the question. I like talking to people and I get along with everyone." |
| Pete Carroll: | "Good answer. OK, so why did you call the swinging gate?" |
| Zorn: | "I would have had the best offense in the NFL if the execution wasn't so bad. That play worked in practice every time against our own top 5 defense." |
| Pete Carroll: | "But the Giants called timeout and saw what you were doing." |
| Zorn: | "Go back and look at it. The Center, 'Todd the Yodeler' as I called him, Todd Yoder, L.O.L., picked the wrong of the 3 rushers. Hunter the Punter would have had another .5 seconds if Yodeler chipped anyone. I have a new hybrid version I'd like to try out here. In this case, the Punter IS the Center and shotgun snaps the ball to himself. IT'S WIIIILD!!!! L.O.L." |
Pete Carroll: |
"I see. OK, this is my most important question. Say we're on a losing streak and we're having a bad practice, what do you do to motivate players?" |
| Zorn: |
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| Zorn: | "Do you remember what you told me once? That every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around." |
| Pete Carroll: | "That' so true. Wait, wasn't that a line from Vanilla Sky?" |
| Zorn: | "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" |
| Pete Carroll: | "My Mom used to always tell me that. Wait, wasn't that from Magnolia? I'm being serious Jim, we need to be able to push our players and get everything we can out of them." |
| Zorn: | "I feel the need - the need for speed." |
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Pete Carroll:
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"OK. You're just repeating Tom Cruise lines now. I'm getting PISSED OFF!!! |
| Zorn: | "Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool." |
| Pete Carroll: | "You can leave now." |
| Zorn: | "I'm sorry, Coach. I was having fun. I lighten moods. Players like that I found." |
| Pete Carroll: | "So, you really want this job, then?" |
| Zorn: | "Show ME the MONEY!!!!" |
| Pete Carroll: | "You can drive yourself out of here now. Good bye." |
| Zorn: | "Porsche. There is no substitute. L.O.L." |
| Pete Carroll: | "STOP F*CKING SAYING 'L.O.L.' It's a.....just LEAAVVE. You can forget about this job and ever working for me. Ever!!" |
| Zorn: | "Coughlin's Law: Anything else is always something better." |
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Pete Carroll:
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