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Food Critique of Washington Redskins' Chris Cooley's Sandwich

Cooley_wandiwch_mediumI'm going to make this short and sweet. It's not good. Chris Cooley's sandwich is made of 3 ingredients:

- Ham, which I LOVE
- Mustard, which I LOVE
- Peanut Butter, which I LOVE

When I ate this sandwich, my mouth went dry faster than a ferret eating 13 cotton balls. Yes, that makes no sense, but a sandwich with peanut butter needs SOMETHING with moisture. The peanut butter was sticking to my mouth and the mustard and ham were both offering ZERO help. I realize how under-rated jelly truly is. It can't be JUST me though, right? I made 3 more Cooley sandwiches with a REAL thin peanut butter layer and took these 3 sandwiches to Rocket Bar, where yes, I approached random dudes at a bar asking them to eat sandwiches named "Cooley." Amazingly, 3 of the first 4 dudes I met were willing for the taste test:

Guy #1 - "I give it a 5 out of 10...peanut butter is too dry. It sticks to the top of my mouth." He took 2 bites and the sandwich went into the trash can.

Guy #2 (Guy #1's friend) - "I give it a 6 out of 10." He actually ate the whole sandwich despite disliking peanut butter. He said he would eat this late night no problem though he didn't really enjoy the situation.

Guy #3 - Steve - Season ticket holder in section 329. He took ONE bite and that was the end of that:

It tastes like caulk...if I was pregnant, it'd be good. You need to add some a fine tomato to absorb some of the Wonder Bread. A roll would make this better.

I am paraphrasing thirty minutes of shenanigans, and I left out about 14 amazing "that's what she said!" quotes. I digress. Anyway, I thought there was NO way I could dislike this sandwich because I LOVE all three ingredients. Truth of the matter is, there is nothing in the sandwich to counter-act all the moisture the peanut butter hogs. Mr. Cooley, perhaps I made your sandwich wrong. I doubt it. It sucks. If you want to prove me wrong, I'm willing to take a taste test with you, but as of now, your wife has it right. AWFUL. Do you chug 4 pints of water while you eat these?

I know the sandwich will live on...anyone have any suggestions for the name? It's only a matter of time before Chris opens a restaurant...I think it's only fitting Hogs Haven comes up with the name for this disaster. Comment below.