Happy Free Agency Period Redskins fans! Radio stations should be playing Christmas music 24 hours a day for this. Furniture stores and car dealerships should be having mega-sales. Carve the Roast Beast!
Like many of you out there,
I have been busy talking to my fellow Redskins fans wishing them a happy free agency signing period. No matter how much you were prepared to get Haynesworth today, the reality of having the Defensive Player of the Year on our squad is still an unbelievable feeling. Waking up to the news of the ludicrous contracts Snyder is doling out is almost as good as Christmas morning itself. Sure, the Bruce Smiths, and Mark Carriers, and Deion Sanders, and Adam Archuletas, and Christian Faurias, and Brandon Lloyds, and Randle-Els, and...stop, stop, stop...don't ruin this for me with talk of old presents that didn't pan out.
Don't ruin this for me with the price tag either. This was my present from the Redskins. Our present. Today I just don't care about long-term consequences. I am going to unwrap my present and play. Our defense is going to rock (theoretically). Our opponents will be hosting half of our defense behind their line on every play (hypothetically). DeAngelo Hall will capitalize on the additional pressure to the tune of double-digit interceptions (supposably).
It's like meeting a hot girl at the bar who is drunker than you, with nothing but possibilities ahead. Of course I am married, so for me it is like when my wife is drunker than me, which is the way she seems to really prefer it. I might need to talk that out with a therapist.
Except, the "morning after" that inevitably comes in that situation for all of us is weeks, months away! We have almost TWO MONTHS until Vinny ruins this for us by drafting 3 tight ends and a kicker!
You might be asking yourselves, "Sugar, how in God's name can the Redskins possibly sign these guys to bigger and bigger contracts? What is going on? Did we wake up in some kind of bizarro dimension where rules don't apply equally to our team?"
To which I answer, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ain't your concern." (if anyone can pull that reference I will be ecstatic...artmonk4ever, I know you know it)
If the hottest girl at the bar comes up to you and demands you take her home immediately and offers you a "no-holds-barred" title match in your living room, do you say, "I don't get it? How is this possible?"
Of course not. You have the time of your life and pray for no diseases. Maybe an accidental pregnancy even nets you the wife of your dreams (wow...unplanned pregnancy jokes...the intoxication of this day is making me dizzy).
We really got off track there...to all of you out there scratching your heads today, I beg you, take a second to embrace the fact that two guys who are easily inked to start for us next year and represent upgrades at their positions are on the team. One of them even stomped on a Cowgirl's head! We will wake up from this drunken orgy of careless spending soon enough. Our Walk of Shame will start on Draft Day (probably), and last through the regular season (God, I hope I'm wrong).
In the meantime...raise your glasses! Today, we are riding high on the Hog!