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If I Could Turn Back Time

Just try to knock the sound of Cher singing those words out of your head. I dare you. I can honestly say I would rather have that song stuck in my head though than the Toyota 'Saved By Zero' campaign that penetrated my soul at one point.

This list could go on forever of course, and most certainly will. Here are today's seven things I would go back in time and change if I had the power to do so. By the way, I should have that power.

1. Troy Aikman would not be drafted by the Cowgirls. He wasn't the only reason they had the kind of heyday they had. But he was a major reason. He was cool under pressure, he threw a great ball, and he was an intense on-field general. Which pretty much defines greatness at the QB spot. Really the main reason why I would move him to a different franchise is because he is such a great announcer. I like him but I can't love him. He is probably the best guy out there right now at his position in the booth. But he is, and always will be, a Cowgirl. And he ripped up on the Redskins for years. I guess I'll have the comfort of knowing it was Lavar that knocked him out of the league. Not to mention the fact that the Skins typically don't draw the network's 'A' team announcers that often anyway (don't get me started on that).

2. You got me started. I would go back and ensure the following guys never called Skins games in the 90's: Kenny Albert, Sam Rosen, Bill Maas, Bill Macatee, Gus Johnson, Curt Menefee, Tim Green. Curt is now a studio guy doing the network show and is a lot better. Gus Johnson is WAY better on TV doing college basketball. The problem is, they were like interns when they were assigned to call the Redskins games in the 90's. Picture it's 1997 and listen to hear the network execs deciding on who announces what:
Suit #1--"Hey we got a couple guys who are a little green and need some work before we decide to give them some real games."
Suit #2--"Perfect. Norv Turner and the Redskins are playing the Saints. We're up against a figure skating exhibition on the other network. We'll be lucky to beat it. Fly them out there." (Who did I miss?)

3. I would go back to just before the Redskins were sold and either A) redo Jack Kent Cooke's will so the team would stay in the family, or B) steal every camera Vinny Cerrato owned. If only Jack Kent Cooke loved his son more than...well, more than a steaming pile of heaping brown turd. But he didn't. So John Kent Cooke lost out. And we got Danny-boy. Keeping Vinny camera-free seems to me to be a slam-dunk. Because he absolutely has pictures of Snyder dipping his doodle in some dank and delicious donk-a-donk. I remain unconvinced otherwise until he is fired. Then again, those Jabar Gaffney-like bugeyes that Cerrato has may be bio-engineered cameras themselves, and we're just screwed. Either way, somehow erasing the possibility that these two could wreck our team the way they have is a no-brainer.

4. I would go back and convince Shelley Long to stay on the cast of Cheers. Her character was annoying but she was just tapping into her hotness (as evidenced by Hollywood coming calling). Diane and Sam were the best. Her uppity and holier-than-thou attitude was great because it was the perfect target for our favorite dog, Sam Malone. You know she got crazy between the sheets. You know it. And she took it on the road to do...Troop Beverly Hills? Kirstie Alley was sultry but Rebecca was as annoying as Diane, and not nearly as hot. The show did have Woody to fall on, but without Diane there for Sam to defile, the show really lost something. Compare for yourself:



Unfair, I know...but ol' Sam knew what he was doing!

5. I would go back and remind Jeff van Gundy that he is a balding, 5-foot tall white dude with the frame of a violinist. So PLEASE do not try and break up a fight between Alonzo Mourning and Charles Oakley or you will be remembered for this:


I love Jeff on ESPN--he is a GREAT announcer. I would love to see him as the next coach of the Wizards. But are you going to ever get this out of your mind? Do you even want to--god it's great. But I would still try and help a brother out, you know, with my time travelling powers.

6. I would go back to the Wednesday before Week 6 of this past season and knock on Pete Kendall's door, and I would say to him, "Hello Pete, I just wanted to remind you that there is a very good reason you are an ineligible receiver. You're big and fat and the ball simply cannot fit between your arms and your gut without most of it hanging out for the world to poke at. Remember that to you, that ball is like a grenade, and your number one job if it comes loose is to jump on it and hold on for dear life. If you decide to try and be a hero and run with it, then stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass and our playoff chances goodbye. Good day sir."

7. Time to pay a visit to Ernie Grunfeld's house, oohhhhhh, around last June. Perhaps I could convince him that between Gilbert Arenas and Antawn Jamison, he was looking at almost 2 good knees. I consider myself to be a huge Arenas fan. I love him. I would pay to watch him play any day. But before you go and hand over the keys to the whole franchise and all of our salary cap space to a player, maybe a little check under the hood might be in order. You know...a test drive. Jesus, bang the knee with the little rubber tomahawk for God's sake at the very least. I might remind him that most of the USA Olympic basketball team is hitting free agency in the next year or two. Sure would be nice to make sure that the money that could go to one of them isn't going to a pair of players that aren't producing playoff series' wins. (That hurt to write by the way.) Here is a picture from 2012 of Gil hoisting a shot on his prosthetic leg: