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In this election season, my ticket is Monk-Portis

It's time to get democratic, which, to steal a line from Winston Churchill, is the worst way to make decisions except for all the others besides slug racing.

Here is the deal... The American Mustache Institute released their finalists for the Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year award recently. For those of you unfamiliar with this very prestigious accolade, get literate:

The American Mustache Institute (AMI) will name the first ever “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year,” recognizing the most impactful Mustached American of the past year. The winner will be announced Oct. 25 at ‘Stache Bash 2008, a benefit for Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for children and adults with disabilities.

More than sixty nominations were submitted for the “Goulet’ award, and AMI’s certified mustacheologists narrowed the finalist pool to 16 qualified Mustached Americans who have distinguished themselves during the past year.

First off, they take this very seriously so no cheating. They have some kind of complicated (for me at least) to comprehend voting tracing system so vote early but not often. Said voting ends in something like a few weeks, so just get it out of the way now. One of the "16 qualified Mustached Americans" happens to be someone I lobbied aggressively for personally with my extensive connections with the AMI. And that person is of keen interest to Redskins fans, as he is truly one of the greatest Mustached Americans this year. Of course I'm talking about:

Art Monk

Art Monk

When former Washington Redskins wide receiver Art Monk retired from the National Football League, he was the career receptions leader. And while he no longer holds that distinction, in 2008 he was honored by voters and elected in the the NFL Hall Of Fame, where he received one of the longest ovations in Hall of Fame history. Throughout it all, Monk has been a philanthropist in his community and proudly sported the 'stache for decades, even as he watched other less deserving (non 'stached) athletes gain entry into the Hall of Fame, never once losing faith that his facial hair would be rewarded.

Of course the above needs to be amended (I'll send out the email) to read the longest ovation in NFL Hall of Fame history.

Competition is no joke, as there are a lot of fine mustaches to choose from. He's not going to vote for himself, it's up to you. The reality is that some huge portion of NFL fans lament the fact that the game has become me-me-me-me and this tendency is most prevalent as it relates to wide receivers, who probably have giant football envy over the fact that RBs and QBs are skill positions that get to run plays more often. Art Monk? Quintessential pro, who not once demanded more footballs from Joe Gibbs or others. He did his job, even when his job was the statistically ignored and unlamented act of blocking down field. He is the prototypical team player at a position that has since become the poster child for everything wrong with the National Football League. And this year he finally got into the Hall of Fame after long last, thus vindicating team players and mustached madmen everywhere. What are you going to do, reader(s)? Are you seriously going to click away from this post without voting for him? Because you do that and you lose whatever moral highground you ever get when you say things like "Golly I sure wish Player X would just pipe down and do their job just like my grandpappy Wilbur did during WW2" or "Jeepers, Batman, that mustache ride was terrific!"


And while I've got you all riled up for ballot filling, hey, Clinton Portis is nominated for the FedEx Ground Player of the Week:

Clinton Portis, Washington Redskins

Portis rushed for 145 yards and one touchdown on 29 carries against the NFL's top-ranked rush defense in the Redskins' 23-17 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.

And, I'm told:

The winners are determined solely by online fan votes.

The best part is that if Portis wins FedEx will make a $1,000 donation in Portis' name to the local Safe Kids USA coalition in Washington DC. FedEx is teamed up with Safe Kids USA – a national non-profit organization that works to prevent accidental injury among children – to deliver safer kids by making weekly $1,000 donations in the winning players' cities. The funding directly benefits pedestrian safety improvements throughout the year.

So if you feel like not voting you might as well go find a kid and punt them into the street because you obviously don't care about child safety or America or American child safety. Be that way.

And if you feel like voting but for DeAngelo Williams or Ronnie Brown instead you get to explain why they deserve it over Portis despite the fact that neither of them bust through the chest of and then subsequently ate nearly all the crewmates of the Philadelphia Eagles for like a million yards. In space, Mike Sellers lead blocks right through your torso.