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Crocs will kill you

Post motivated as today I watched a really good Animal Planet show called Lions in Crocodile River or some such nonsense where pretty much everything gets eaten by crocodiles. They fight lions, hippos, giant wildabeats, whatever. Referring to the latter, I was finally shocked to see a 10,000 herd march safely across the river with very few casualties as the young male crocodiles got trampled nearly to death. I've always felt that Wildabeast vs. Crocodile fights were terribly unfair given that the latter always attacks the former in the latter's comfortable setting, so it was refreshing to see the Wildabeast get theirs.

Where am I going with this? Over at the Official Site you can get your crocs delivered within 48 hours. And by crocs rather than meaning millions of years old predator I mean those cheesy  (they're like swiss cheese, get it?) shoes that everyone is wearing in cute little burgundy and gold. Golly that's awesome. Here's a picture:

BEWARE OF DEATH TRAP

Or is it? As if escalators weren't dangerous enough, these new shoes could substantially increase the risk of escalator related injury in the hands of escalator amateurs. By the way, this article is totally reliable science (emphasis mine):

In some online chat rooms and blogs, however, parents are sharing stories about kids having accidents while wearing the shoes.

Some people have reported that kids wearing Crocs have had their feet sucked into the side of escalators.

Some businesses have even posted warning signs near their escalators saying if you're wearing Crocs, be careful.

Chloe Johnson, 10, from Kansas City, is one of those kids who had a frightening experience while wearing the shoes.

She loved her Crocs. "I wore them almost everywhere," she said.

Wore them... TO HELL!!!!!

It's important to note that data is not the plural or anecdote and this article would hardly qualify as reliable evidence that crocs were a danger to the escalator riding populace. But this is:

The Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates about 10,000 people go to the emergency room every year after accidents on escalators. Of those, 20 percent involved having hands, feet or shoes trapped.
Niiiiiiice. Of 245 million escalator riders per day, that means one every ~9 million escalator rides results in an injury. If 20 percent of those are foot or hand related, we're talking once every 45 million escalator rides end up in disaster. And they say it isn't epidemic?????
In a statement, the company told ABC News: "Crocs shoes are completely safe. ... Escalators and moving sidewalks, particularly those that have not received proper care and maintenance, can be dangerous and pose risks to their riders."

But Chloe's parents are convinced that the Crocs were an important factor in her accident.

Oh sure, believe a big giant scary corporation that brands children's shoes as flesh eating river monsters? We hate to speculate in this space but suspect that Chloe's parents are escalator engineers.

From a separate article similarly lacking in data but full of gruesome details:

Donna Parnell-Beasley, a trauma coordinator at the Arkansas Children's Hospital in Little Rock, has seen several injuries to kids under eight.

"One of the injuries was particularly serious with a lot of soft tissue loss and a partial amputation," she said. "They are pretty serious injuries and can have long term problems that follow."

So go ahead, reader(s), I dare you to purchase your crocs. Stare death in the eye you goddamn adrenaline junkies.

I also heard that crocs were the main cause of Hoof and Mouth Disease. It's science, people. But they are only 29.99!

PS: I'm out for the rest of the day and will be driving much of tomorrow. Stay tuned for an open thread to appear late afternoon for tomorrow's kickoff, which is 8PM Eastern.