Redskins will smite the Detroit Lions because...

by Skin Patrol on Oct 5, 2007 2:51 PM EDT in Predictions Comment 1 comment

God wills it.

Yesterday Christmas Ape at KSK matched up John Kitna's God vs. our own Joe Gibbs' God:

Praise be! The Lord's favored football disciples are rewarded by being on winning teams. Tony Dungy's Colts are 4-0, Shaun Alexander's C-Hox are 3-1, and facing off this week are Jon Kitna's surprising 3-1 Lions and Joe Gibbs' 2-1 godless sun worshipers. Of course, God's linebacker, Ray Lewis, is holding everybody back with the Ravens' disappointing 2-2 start, but he's been known to stray from time to time, anyway. Jesus' love is on the line. WHO YA GOT?

Uhm, Coach Gibbs, duh. He has the vengeful God and "Fatuous Redskins fans" supporters, which I assume is a complement.

More importantly than that, Lions WR Roy Williams is an immoral monster for failure to tip pizza delivery guys. Tipping is not a matter of etiquette. It is a moral imperative that you subsidize the meager earnings of people who use their own vehicles to deliver you pizzas. People who don't should be in prison. Instead:

You do tip the pizza guy? There's no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say `Thank you sir.' ... The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he's coming for free.

No, asshole, he expects a tip. I delivered pizzas. I don't want you to be "polite", I want a few bucks for the extra effort. I'm the one putting miles on my car because you're too lazy to pick up your own food, guy.

So what if he's since come around to tipping pizza deliverers? Too little, too late, Roy. That's a lifetime of discounted pizza you can't repent for overnight, and God saw every minute of it.

My prediction: 0-1 catches for less than 20 yards. Sit him in Fantasy Football.

Update [2007-10-5 14:56:57 by Skin Patrol]: Hat tip to Extreme Skins for finding a response to sinner Roy Williams from Pizza Hut President Scott Bergern:

Dear Roy,

We heard that you haven’t been tipping pizza delivery drivers, but recently chatted with one of our drivers and decided you need to start tipping. When a Pizza Hut pizza arrives hot and fresh, it’s easy to be distracted by all the deliciousness you’re about to enjoy, and our drivers certainly appreciate you taking the time to tip.

But what about all the drivers who missed being tipped in the past?

We’d like to issue you a challenge. Agree to work as a delivery driver for Pizza Hut for just one day in Detroit, and we’ll forgive all your previous tipping transgressions.

Furthermore, we’ll collect all the tips you receive and donate them to the World Food Programme as part of our World Hunger Relief Week, which is kicking-off October 14.

So, Roy, what do you say? There are a lot of hungry fans out there waiting.

Sincerely,

Scott Bergren
President, Pizza Hut

Full disclosure: I have delivered a pizza for Pizza Hut.

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