Reedskin's Last-Minute 34-Pick Mock Draft Extravapalooza!!!

Have you guys heard of mock drafts? I made one. It's actually a science experiment to see if no one will read it in the remaining three or so hours before the draft. I've got a whole hypothesis based on draft over-coverage fan fatigue, NFL offseason scheduling, Mel Kiper's hair gel, and the number of diluted urine samples taken at the combine. But hey, if you really feel like reading one more mock draft, have at it. I've added two extra picks to get to the Redskins first selection.

Round 1

1. Texans: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina

That's a clown pick, bro.

2. Rams: Greg Robinson, OT, Auburn

He could increase Bradford's chances of an injury-free season to exactly 29% (Up from 22%). Thanks, magic injury-predicting computer.

3. Jaguars: Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo

Return of the Mack! It is... return of the Mack! Come on, return of the Mack. Oh my god, Unless it's Sammy Watkins.

4. Browns: Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson

I wish Preston Brown was a better prospect, because it would be a funny joke if Cleveland started assembling of team of guys named "Brown." Of course, that probably wouldn't be as good a joke as operating the team the way the always have.

5. Raiders: Jake Matthews, OT, Texas A&M

The ghost of Al Davis pounds on the table for Mike Evans.

6. Falcons: Taylor Lewan, OT, Michigan

Lewan becomes a once-in-a-generation star, and kids all over Hotlanta start "Lewaning," which becomes a minor YouTube sensation.

7. Buccaneers: Mike Evans, WR, Texas A&M

Best buds from college are torn apart when the star player's go-to WR is chosen over the flashy QB who overshadowed him for years, but not anymore, baby. I'm Mike Evans and I'm going to live my life and nobody's gonna get me down and I'll never be hungry again and hear me roar!

8. Vikings: Aaron Donald, DT, Pittsburgh

I actually think the "Vikings love Donald" thing is a ploy to get another team to trade up, but if that works out, Donald still gets picked at #8, right? Plus Kiper agrees, and he has beautiful-er hair than I ever did or will.

9. Bills: Zack Martin, OG, Notre Dame

The run on guys with two first names continues. Marqise Lee, Jimmie Ward, and Allen Robinson have to be getting excited at this point. Or not, because they might have to play for the Lions.

10. Lions: Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State

The Lions need to find someone who can cover Calvin Johnson in practice, in case some other team ever finds a guy who can do it in a game. Gilbert can't, but at least they're trying. A trade down is a possibility.

11. Titans: Anthony Barr, OLB, UCLA

Remember "Remember the Titans?" That movie in which a team called the "Titans" didn't suck? Tennessee will never succeed until management wises up and signs Denzel Washington as head coach. I originally had Blake Bortles here, but I want to see the green room QBs suffer! Except for Teddy Bridgewater; I hope he gets drafted by a solid organization because he seems like a great guy. Oh, Anthony Barr--yeah, I read a rumor somewhere.

12. Giants: Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina

You know how analysts always say, "A good TE is a rookie QB's best friend?" Eli Manning's recent play is reminiscent of his rookie days, so this seems like a pick the analysts will like. I'm glad I'm not an analyst, because my friends would pound me mercilessly behind my back. About my job title, I mean.

13. Rams: Bradley Roby, CB, Ohio State

I'm using WalterFootball's tip here, though I wouldn't be too surprised to see the Rams try to trade down to make this pick. I hate St. Louis for having all the Redskins' draft picks the last few years, so I hope Greg Robinson and Roby run into each other at practice and get seriously (decide to quit football and pursue another career)-ed. Now who doesn't have any first round picks?!?

14. Bears: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, FS, Alabama

Some people think this pick is laughable, but I think they aren't as funny as they think they are. Why is everybody focusing on "Ha Ha" when "Clinton-Dix" provides just as much material?

15. Steelers: Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State

Every mock draft I'm using to piece together "my" mock draft has a corner here, so... Surprise pick could be Ra'Shede Hageman.

16. Cowboys: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M

Jerry Jones strikes again! I hope J-Footy (yeah, it's cooler than Johnny Football) stinks even worse than I think he will and the Redskins beat Dallas twice a year for the next as-many-years-as-Manziel-starts-for-the-Cowboys years.

17. 49ers (Trade with Ravens): Odell Beckham, WR, LSU

Alright, I'll throw a trade in. I've heard the talk about San Fran wanting to trade up for Beckham. A swap with the Titans at #11 seems too high-priced to me, but this just feels right. Harbaugh brothers connection (think payback for that Boldin trade ripoff), plus I can't find a pick I really like for Baltimore here.

18. Jets: Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State

Cooks will be better than Beckham, so Jets fans should thank the Niners for making this an easy choice.

19. Dolphins: JaWuan James, OT, Tennessee

It's likely James, Morgan Moses, or Cyrus Kouandjio. If you're picking alphabetically by last name (which I'm pretty sure the Dolphins are), this is the pick. I could see Minnesota trading up for Bortles here, too (and Miami would still have a good shot at James).

20. Cardinals: Blake Bortles, QB, UCF

I see this pick as interchangeable with the Titans at #11. If the Titans take Bortles, expect the Cardinals to take Barr. If the Vikings trade up for Bortles, maybe this is Shazier.

21. Packers: Ryan Shazier, OLB, Ohio State

Green Bay will be glad they passed on Ryan Shazy a couple years ago, but not willing to wait for Ryan Shaziest to enter the draft in a couple more. Get it, because it's Shazy, Shazier, Shaziest? Man, mock drafts take a long time to make.

22. Eagles: Kyle Fuller, CB, Virginia Tech

Eagles could trade up for Beckham or Barr. They could trade down and snag a surprise WR like Jordan Matthews or Cody Latimer. Calvin Pryor and Marqise Lee are options at #22. Damn you Chip Kelly and your mind-scrambling, triple-confusion, reverse-smokescreen mindgames.

23. Jaguars: (Trade with Chiefs)Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville

Everybody and their imaginary friend has Marqise Lee here. As much as I wanted to write out "Lee" a bunch of times in the style of Tenacious D's chart-topper (hey, there are a lot of guys named Lee out there who could have charts), I'm going to be even bolder and project a trade. Jags move up to get the QB they like most, while KC moves down and hopes for Xavier Su'a Filo. Minnesota is another team I could see trading into the lower first round to snag Teddy B.

24. Bengals: Jason Verrett, CB, TCU

I'm stumped here. I'm going to predict that this pick is wrong, but I like Verrett a lot if he can stay healthy. He's 1b to Dennard as far as pure cover skills.

25. Chargers: Louis Nix, NT, Notre Dame

I'm getting this pick wrong, too. Mock drafting is hard.

26. Browns: Derek Carr, QB, Fresno State

The Browns have to take a quarterback somewhere in the first. It's been Manziel at #4. Now it's Bridgewater in the lower half of the round. Nope, it's David Carr's little brother who wishes nobody knew who David Carr was.

27. Saints: Marcus Martin, C, USC

They should really trade down if this is the first guy they want to pick, but he's invited to the draft, and it would be a real dick move for the Saints to pass on him after they got him all excited. So New Orleans, for my sake, don't be dicks.

28. Panthers: Jordan Matthews, WR, Vanderbilt

The Panthers should probably trade down here. Their biggest needs are at WR and OT, but the top tier at both positions are gone. They could have their pick of Moses, Bitonio, or Kouandjio at tackle. They could choose from Lee, Benjamin, Latimer, Robinson, or Matthews at WR. They could almost certainly get one of these guys 15 picks later. I'm going with my stupid gut, which says Matthews.

29. Lions: Calvin Pryor, FS, Louisville

I feel confident that the Patriots will trade back. I'm less sure who their trade partner will be. In this particular mock, Pryor and Lee have probably dropped the farthest according to most teams' boards. There are still a number of WRs available around Lee's level, but the safety dropoff after Pryor (and Jimmie Ward) is more precipitous. So I picked a safety needy team (could also be the Rams).

30. Ravens (Trade with 49ers): C.J. Mosley, ILB, Alabama

The Ravens get the guy I originally had them choosing at #17 (before trading with San Francisco). He could be Baltimore's new Ray Lewis, although I don't know if that means he'll be awesome or retire close to 2014 (those knees are scaaaaary).

31. Broncos: Xavier Su'a-Filo, OG, UCLA

Verrett and Mosley are popular picks, but they're not available here. I could see them taking a weapon to replace Decker, and Jordan Matthews (taken in this mock), Marqise Lee, and Allen Robinson could be "Peyton Guys" at this value. Su'a-Filo is my pick here, but since my Chiefs-Jags trade earlier on involved KC targeting XSF, maybe they could trade up here and the Broncos could go after one of those WRs at #35.

32. Seahawks: Joel Bitonio, OG, Nevada

Marqise Lee's heart is broken when the former coach he called "Papa Pete" (not really, that I know of) passes and completes the former top-10 lock's slide out of the first round. Tuitt, Hageman, and Jean-Baptiste are names being thrown around. Bitonio (the lesser-known cousin of Mario, Wario, and Luigi) comes in slated to start at RT, but with the added ability to back up every other position on the line, including LT, where Seattle's supposed franchise LT has had a hard time staying healthy.

33. Texans: Stephon Tuitt, DE, Notre Dame

Because, that's why. It's a bonus pick, dammit.

34. Lions (Trade with Redskins): Marqise Lee, WR, USC

Don't worry, I'll mock somebody to the Skins after this. I really think at least one solid first round talent will fall to our spot, and we'll be able to trade down to get more picks. The Lions didn't get a WR in round one, but are happy to see Lee fall so far

More picks, until...

45. Redskins (Trade with Lions): Cyrus Kouandjio, OT, Alabama

We get the guy a lot of people have been wanting at #34 PLUS an extra pick or two. Let's call it a fourth and a fifth. Everybody pray for healthy knees.

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