Its the offseason! aka the-most-awful-time-of-the-year-unless-you-like-basketball. Even worse, we're in that terrible limbo between season's end and the draft, that bleak time of hopelessness and loathing. So to fully embrace the spirit of seasonal depression I'm going to write a series of increasingly unhinged fanposts about our favorite misanthropic football team! Will I manage to piss off everyone here? Will I not rest until Reed Doughty is not only working at Denny's, but is also the proud employee of the month? Will I have ripped out my own eyeballs and started babbling in German Event Horizon-style by Draft Day? Is a second receiver really our number one priority? Who are these questions being addressed to? I'm here to answer none of these important questions and more.
After minutes of careful consideration, I have come to the inevitable conclusion that yes: the Washington Professional Team That Plays American Style Football And Not That Pussy Kickball Shit That The Rest of the World Plays is in need of a name change. Now I've heard the suggestions, and I'd like to rank them right here, right now.
5. Redtails = Get it? because its got red in the name and I saw that movie about black fighter pilots. Progressive!
Pros: We go from being on the receiving end of Wounded Knee to badass black dudes in mustangs killing Nazis
Cons: Would associate us with Cuba Gooding Jr. and George Lucas, and by extension Snow Dogs and Jar Jar Binks, and I think we've gotten enough of that from ol Vinny Cerrato.
4. Hogs/Red Hogs = An invocation of the glorious past! Glorious!
Pros: Russ Grimm! Hoggettes! Saint Joe Gibbs, hallowed be thy name!
Cons: Might as well call the team the Washington The Present Is Awful So I'm Just Going To Pretend It Doesn't Exist. Do we really want to associate ourselves with Arkansas? You know its like the South's New Jersey right? And imagine all those idiots who talk about how if the Redskins have to change their names so should the Vikings, cause its offensive to Scandinavians. Those guys are douchebags. But what if everyone listened to them and the Vikings had to change their name, and they changed it to the Minnesota Flying Purple People Eaters. Wouldn't that be the most mid-west thing ever? Do we really want to be those people?
3. Warriors = Alliteration is your friend. And so are other literary devices, but calling them the Washington SMACK! is too onomatopoeian for this Beltway Bro. (I promise to never use the phrase Beltway Bro again. I don't even live in that region...)
Pros: Aforementioned alliterative goodness. Can use the spear helmets if we have to change the logo too. Aligns us with the Golden State Warriors, who have the best jerseys in hoop ball in my humble opinion.
Cons: Makes way too much sense. Also aligns us with the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. And for a fanbase that's spent the past few decades plugging their ears and screaming "LAA LAA LAA CAN'T HERE YOU" every time someone brings up the possibility that maybe naming your team "Redskin" could possibly be construed as offensive, going full Michael Sam probably won't go over well either.
2. Senators = Reusing a name from DC's glorious sporting history!
Pros:...free pork? An overwhelming sense of disgust?
Cons: The Senators were awful. The Senate is awful. We go to sports games to try and forget we share a region with some of the worst people on Earth, we don't want to be reminded of Harry Reid's or Mitch Mconnell's stupid faces every time we're at a football game. Would give Dan Snyder a boner, and pleasing Snyder is the absolute last thing we want to do here. Which is why I continue to push for my favorite new name: "The Washington Grandmothers Who No Longer Afford Season Tickets aka The Washington Six Flags New Orleans Complimentary Mattresses".
1. Egon Spanglers = If you don't know who that is, turn off the computer, go to Wal Mart, buy a copy of Ghostbusters, go home, AND USE THE DVD TO SLIT YOUR WRISTS YOU PLEBEIAN
Pros: Honoring a legend of the silver screen. Lyrics of "Hail to the Redskins" set to the tune of the Ghostbusters theme song. "What you gonna call! READ OPTION!" New director of pro-scouting Ernie Hudson.
Cons: literally none, except for awful humorless people with no childhoods who will all be dead anyway of self-inflicted DVD wounds. (Helpful hint to all those ciphers pretending to be human beings capable of emotion: BlueRay discs are sharper, and come with more extra features, so you'll be killing yourself IN HD).
Washington Spanglers is the obvious choice right? I mean, I wouldn't mind Washington Venkmans either, but I'll be too busy crying my little eyes out the day Bill Murray shuffles off this mortal coil to write snide fan posts.
Rest In Peace Harold Ramis. You're collecting spores, molds, and fungus in the great beyond now.