Washington Redskins 2013 Draft Profile: Lennay Kakua

Deadspin

A detailed look of the pros and cons of Manti Te'o's boy/girlfriend. Is s/he worth a late round pick?

Measurements: ?'?", XXX lbs
Projected Round: 1st (according to Lennay), 7th (according to Cerrato and Jerry Jones)

In the Mike Shanahan era, the Redskins have made 14 picks in the 6th or 7th rounds. That's an average of almost five picks per draft. So, if the Redskins trade one of their two 5th round picks for additional 6ths and 7ths, why not take a bold risk with one of those picks?

Lennay Kakua is a bit of mystery, and let's be real, that's where draft gems are found. When I was a kid visiting the bank with my Mom, a big moment was the mere three seconds I got at the jar of Dum-Dum lollipops. I had to instantly process what flavors were available and make a selection. Of course, there were never any Strawberry ones left at 4PM in the day, so without hesitation, I'd anxiously grab the dum-dum lollipop with the question mark wrapper. Mike Shanahan needs to do the same. Oh the rejoicing when a Strawberry is revealed! Will Lennay Kakua be the Coconut-pineapple that gets thrown in the trash before I even exit the bank premises? Let's see:

Pros:

  • Body Strength: Now that we know Lennay is a man, this likely means her/his 40 time and reps of benching 225 pounds increase significantly. In addition, Lennay came back from the dead, which basically ensures s/he'd never see injured reserve.
  • Fooling defenses: If Lennay can fool a Heisman trophy candidate and a campus full of 4.1 GPA students, surely scheming against Cowboys' defensive coordinator, Monte Kiffin, will be a walk in the park.
  • Catfish Prevention: A well-known, female Twitter account in Redskins circles the last few years turned out to be a catfish. Lennay could mentor his/her Redskins' teammates' DM messages and warn them of catfishes to avoid any future PR embarrassments.
  • Pro Experience: Lennay has multiple family members in professional sports:
    "Matt Tuiasosopo, cousin of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, signed a minor league contract with the Tigers on December 6th, 2012. The 26 year old already has MLB experience, playing three separate seasons with the Seattle Mariners
    ." [Rant Sports]
    "Marques Tuiasosopo, cousin of Ronaiah, was selected by the Raiders in the second round of the 2001 NFL Draft, the 59th overall pick and the fourth quarterback selected (behind Michael Vick, Drew Brees, & Quincy Carter)." [Wiki]

Cons:

  • Locker room: Establishing trust with teammates is going to be a problem, especially for the ones that like women.
  • Playing Experience: Kakua has never played High School or College football, which means the learning curve could be rather high to see regular season action.
  • Tears: Lennay did the media rounds with Dr. Phil and cried like a kindergarten girl who was just told her puppy got run over. Is Lennay really someone we want lined up against Jay Ratliff and Jason Pierre-Paul?
Shanahan might need to take a pass on Lennay even though the Pros outweigh the cons.

Fun fact researching this article: Dum Dum introduced a lollipop flavor called "Buttered Popcorn" in 2010 and had to cancel it in 2011 due to horribleness. Whoever came up with that flavor idea surely lost their job, right?.

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