I was feeling a little punchy over this whole salary cap space thing, and some of these seemed a little petty in retrospect, but I was hoping it could get the ball rolling with some much better suggestions from the peanut gallery.
1. Order $18 million dollars worth of Papa John's pizza for delivery to Roger Goodell's office. (This used to be an effective way to pull pranks on people. When the pizza guy showed up at the door with his hand out for the money, hilarity ensued. I am pretty sure the pizza companies have closed the loopholes on this one though.)
2. Have a team employee ask league officials if he can borrow a first-class postage stamp...39,130,435 times.
3. At the next league happy hour, put $18 million into the jukebox and play Michael Bolton's Greatest Hits on repeat. Doors that lock from the outside are important here. (This would not get us back our dough, but it would take 18 million pounds of flesh from the league.)
4. Sell shavings of Robert Griffin III's meniscus to the throngs of crazy people who think they could grow their own version of the iconic quarterback with nothing more than this. I can already see ih8 taking out a second mortgage on his house. (And no, ih8, I don't want to see the knee that you are growing in your bedroom.)
5. Put John Mara in a Dunk Tank filled with vipers and charge $18 million to throw three balls for a chance to sink him with the proceeds going to support the families of the snakes that would lose their lives after Mara bit them. I'm guessing I could convince Dan Snyder to step up and rock this one.
6. Print one $18 million coin. Hey, if stupid ideas work for the U.S. government, why shouldn't they work for the Washington Redskins?
7. Duplicate the same field conditions that the Wild Card playoff game was played on in January at FedEx Field and get the league to hold its intramural league games there. They should be able to rack up about $18 million in medical bills pretty quickly.
8. Make room at FedEx for approximately 30,000 more people who have no real interest in the game on the field or any intention whatsoever to pay attention and cheer, and use "works of art," giant TV screens and a million bars to lure people that don't otherwise know the first thing about being football fans. Oh wait...Dallas already did that.
9. Sell the naming rights to last-second field goal attempts over 45 yards. I can hear Larry Michael now: "Here is Kai Forbath, about to attempt a 49-yard field goal attempt for the win. This kick is brought to you by Preparation H Hemorrhoidal Ointment. Find Relief. You know, Sonny, I gotta say, I'm feeling some real painful burning and discomfort right now."
10. Two words: Stud fees. 'Nuff said.