For this entry in the HH Writers Challenge, Kenny Powers of Eastbound and Down writes a letter to RG3 to encourage him during his rehab.
RE: the leg
Every now and then, life tries to butt***k you out of glory.
Sometimes you're at the top of your game, and like some jealous, beta dweeb, God strikes you down and takes a massive shit directly into your grits.
Hell, believe it or not, I was there once (mainly in 2004 but also for short periods of time in 2002 and 2006). I learned a few valuable lessons of triumph that I have whittled down into an audiobook titled My ABC's of Athletic Excellence by Kenny Powers. I wanted to bestow a few upon you like a righteous cluster bomb of truths:
A. There's not a single great American who hasn't used steroids (George Washington, George Washington Bush 1 and 2, Robert E. Lee, etc). Also, roids don't shrink your balls. I fully believe we both possess massive, ironclad balls.
B. Although I never underwent rehab, except for that league substance abuse bullshit, I do know that rehab is for the weak and untalented. Go back to truth A.
C. Relationships are nothing but an anchor to your majestic life-cruise. You're the god damned quarterback. Just like the days of the pure pocket passer are limited, so too are the days of monogamy.
D. Your coaches and teammates are not your friends. If they aren't giving you the shit you need to succeed, then you need to get the f**k out of Dodge. Tyler Polumbus isn't going to give you career longevity.
I know what you're saying right now, Robert - "Yeah, but Kenny Powers, it was easy for you to bounce back to the top. You're a physical specimen with once-in-a-generation talent and poise like a Mongolian yak. What about a normal, poor bastard like me?"
Well, my naive chocolate football dreamboat, the answer is easy: pay no mind to the naysayers.
You have to play smarter and safer? Horseshit. Is there anything worse than safe sex? No. Same goes for football.
Playing injured hurt the team? F**k that Blonde Ambition Tour Kirk Cousins. You're the man who has the ball. You're the man who can throw it farther than f**k. That is why you are better than everyone in the world. F**k everybody.
When doc tells you to take it easy on your bionic knee? Let him know slavery ended two hundred years ago. You don't have to listen to a guy who probably can't even throw a spiral. He is an envious troll - you are a deity.
In conclusion, constantly be envisioning yourself as a motherf**king ethereal eagle, soaring above your haters and dropping diamond-encrusted shit nuggets on their pathetic families and lives. Only you control your rock star destiny- with your arm like a f******g Howitzer and legs like an African gazelle. Follow my ABC's of Athletic Excellence and you too will have a career as prolific and legendary as mine.
I wish you a speedy as f**k recovery and the blessing of Jesus Christ upon your family and friends.
Kenny Fucking Powers
Harrison Weinhold is a sports radio producer for ProPlayerInsiders and the NFLPA and an above average karaoke singer. Follow him on twitter @radioharrison or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org