Fast Times at Redskins Park

Geoff Burke-US PRESSWIRE

Fast Times at Redskins Park

Well, the Washington Redskins are off to another magnificent start to yet another magical season. The fun times are upon us!

This team's collapses have now become legendary. The finger-pointing is swift. The hot-seat is getting hotter.

This is one hot mess! - a car wreck, if you will.

These are - The Fast Bad Times at Redskins Park.

[after Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car]

Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!

Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!

Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!

Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?

Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!

Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

Much maligned owner Daniel Synder has to be looking for a scapegoat. He's gotta want to kill someone. Heads will certainly role. Can this mess be fixed, or like Jefferson's car, will it be a patch-up job by an unqualified repairman coach.

Can this team AFFORD to bring back Mike and Kyle Shanahan - the guys who were responsible for almost ruining our new franchise quarterback? Can Snyder AFFORD to tear apart the team, and go into another re-building mode?

There has been a lot of finger pointing, and rightfully so; Fan IS short for Fanatic, but I'm here to tell you what needs to happen for this team to wade through this proverbial shit storm, and come out smelling like roses!

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you have to get up

Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you butthole!

Jeff Spicoli: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Curtis Spicoli: Dad says you're gonna be late again you booger!


First of all, we have to wake up, and get out of this dream nightmare we are having. Once we have taken our morning shower, and are revived and ready for our day, let me start off by saying: There will be NO head coaching change! Let me repeat; NO head coaching change! Aside from any other moves(ie. a new special team coach, new defensive coordinator), the Shanahan's stay!

Now that we have this major obstical taken care of, let's get on with fixing the issues at hand:


[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]

Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms, is he still on campus? Anyone?

[Desmond raises hand]

Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?

Desmond: I saw him outside, near the food machines.

Mr. Hand: How long ago?

Desmond: Right before class.

Mr. Hand: All right. Bring him in.


Everyone(coaches)needs to have a long talk at season end, and hold themselves accountable.

First, there is going to be a change to the defense. We are going back to being a 4-3 team. I don't know if Haslett is the right guy for the job, but if he's not, we find someone who is. I'd love to bring over Mike Zimmer, but he'd need to be named head coach, so alas, I don't think that's happening. Maybe we could name him assistant head coach/head coach in waiting, but still, I think it's a pipe dream. Anyways, the switch to the 4-3 is in effect, and we need to start building personell to fit it.

We already have our base ends(Orakpo - if he's brought back, and Kerrigan). We also have decent depth in Jenkins and Jackson(if he returns). We need defensive linemen who can play the 3-technique. Cofield is one who we can count on. I think Jenkins is too, but the book is still out on him(he did play a lot of 3-technique at Clemson). Bowen needs to be replaced.

Free Agent Defensive Tackles:
Henry Melton(Bears) 27
Linval Joseph(Giants) 25
Vance Walker(Raiders) 26

Now on to our biggest missing pieces on defense; linebackers. Fletcher needs to go - enough said. Riley needs to be re-signed. Robinson needs to come back healthy. Riley takes the SAM position. Robinson(hopefully) takes the WILL position. We need a solid veteran MIKE.

Free Agent Linebackers:
Donald Butler(Chargers) 25
Brandon Spikes(Patriots) 26
Pat Angerer(Colts) 26

I am not as worried about our secondary as some people are. Amerson has shown he's got a very bright future with this team, and he will secure one of the cornerback spots in 2014. Hall could very well be re-signed, especially given the way he's been playing this year. If not, I have no problem making a play for Aqib Talib. He and Amerson would be one heck of a combination at corner for the foreseeable future.

At safety, I think we have a future with Rambo and Thomas. Had Thomas not suffered an injury, I believe he would be starting right now. Anyways, Meriweather and Doughty move on, and I'd like to see us make a play for Jairus Byrd, even if we have to make him the highest paid safety in the NFL - he's worth it. If we miss on Byrd, we role with youth, and a moderately priced free agent.

Defense is done!

Mike Damone: This is going to be great, Rat. It's like the highlight of their day.

Mark Ratner: Hey maybe we'd better call first. I dunno about dropping in like...

Mike Damone: What are you kidding? We're gunna surprise them. Look, just fix your collar, alright? Relax, just be cool, attitude, remember? Where'd you get that, outta the hamper?

Mark Ratner: Hey, come on, this is clean.

Mike Damone: Look Rat, it's like riding a bike. Fall off; you're right back on. Mess up a date, do it again.

Mike Shanahan can not afford to mess up again on offense, especially with the future of our franchise quarterback at stake. We need to get some attitude, and it all starts up front on the offensive line.

Three replacements are needed for 2014 - center, guard and right tackle. I am hoping at least one can come from a player who is already on the roster(Compton, Gettis or LeRibeus) so I am assuming two new players outside of the orginazation. My top choices would be in free agency.

Free Agent Tackles:

Rodger Saffold(Rams) 25

Geoff Schwartz(Chiefs) 27

Michael Oher(Ravens) 27

Free Agent Guards:

Zane Beadles(Broncos) 26

Mike McGlynn(Colts) 28

Jon Asamoah(Chiefs) 25

Free Agent Centers:(I really want one of these two)

Alex Mack(Browns) 27

Ted Larsen(Bucs) 26

Dennis Taylor: Hamilton, did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?

Brad Hamilton: Well, he started it; he called me a moron, Dennis.

Dennis Taylor: [firmly] Answer! Did you threaten this customer or use profanity in any way?

Brad Hamilton: Yes.

Dennis Taylor: You're fired.


We need MAJOR change at wide receiver. This means letting go of long-time fan favorite Santana Moss. Hopefully he retires, but if he has hopes of playing again, it has to be with another team. Josh Morgan.............gone! This is an area I believe we need to look to in the 2014 NFL draft, and I'd like us to use our second round pick to do so. If we can get a young, big, athletic receiver to pair opposite Garcon, and a target Griffin can grow with, we will take a huge step forward.

2014 Draft Options:
Allen Robinson(PSU) 6-3 210
Jordan Matthews(Vandy) 6-3 205
Brandon Coleman(Rutgers) 6-5 220

Pirate King: Hamilton, you're going over there as a representative of Captain Hook Fish and Chips. Part of our image, part of our appeal is that uniform, you know that.

Brad Hamilton: You really want me to put this stuff back on?

Pirate King: Yes, I do. Show a little pride.

Now, we need our players to have some pride in the Burgundy and Gold. We are Representing our great team every time we step foot on the field. This can never be forgotten.


If some of these ideas come to life, it could be the turnaround we so desperately need.................................

Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.

Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.

Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

Mark Ratner: The attitude?

Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

It's time to regain the ATTITUDE that winning teams have!










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