Every year I have to do something that I REALLY don't look forward to. I have to get in the car with my wife and kid, and visit my in-laws. Now, visiting the in-laws isn't the horrible part, because they're pretty cool. No, the worst part about the trip is that they live in OHIO. Ugh.
Seriously, the only portion of that trip that gives me satisfaction is the drive through West Virginia, because once you cross into Ohio, you're surrounded by derps, racists and a general lack of culture.
One of the first things I saw when I crossed into Ohio was a large truck with a confederate flag. Now, in the South, some racists try to claim they're not racists and say the confederate flag is some sort of "heritage" thing. Yeah, sure. But what reason do you have in Ohio to put that on your 1994 Ford Ranger, other than horrible racism?
But back on the subject. my wife graduated from THE Ohio State University, and thank God she's not into football, because I would be forced to divorce her due to obnoxious Ohio State fandom. Luckily she doesn't give two turds about sports, and wouldn't know who Urban Meyer was if he came up to her and honked her hooters.
Ninety-eight percent of Ohio State fans didn't even attend the school, they just went to Wal-Mart and bought a hoodie.
But enough about Ohio State, I'm here to discuss Mike Brown's tax deduction, the Bengals. They're a team so putrid, that Carson Palmer said "F*ck this man, I quit." They're the only team that makes Oakland look like a good landing spot. "I better get away from these race riots...Oakland here I come."
And can you really blame Palmer for not wanting to play for that vindictive penny-pincher? Mike Brown probably goes extreme couponing at Wal-Mart for the team's Gatorade. "Oh, if I buy 20 with this .25 cent off coupon I'll save $5...better hop on that. Just make sure every player gets half a bottle."
The only sliver of entertainment that's oozed up from the underbelly of the Bengals was when Andre Smith did a Pamela Anderson Baywatch boobie bounce at the combine. I mean, he's carrying around solid C-cups right?
Then of course there is the inevitable first round beat down in the playoffs every three years. Somehow in the Marvin Lewis era, the Bengals have this very predictable cycle. 4-12, 8-8, 10-6 (with a beating in the wildcard round) then repeat. It's really quite intriguing.
Since Opie Taylor led the Bengals to the playoffs last year, you can rest assured that this season will be quite horrible.
Now, last week I was much maligned for not including a regional music rendition of my game prediction, so it's coming back...next week. There aren't many good musicians that have come from Cincinnati...shocker, I know. 98 Degrees and Bootsy Collins? What the f*ck Cincinnati? Thanks a lot for bad music and worse football!
No wonder that place has race riots and is featured on The First 48 all the time.