Before 1995, North Carolina was Redskins territory. Then somebody decided it was a good idea to put a professional football team in Charlotte. Well, kiss my white ass Carolina Panthers, you fucked up Sundays for a lot of us.
Now, I could go out and get the NFL Sunday Ticket, but I’m poor as shit. I pick up about 20 channels with rabbit ears and luckily three of those channels are FOX, CBS and NBC.
So, for those of us living in NC, this is for you (except for those elitist Sunday Ticket subscribers.) We know that when the Panthers are playing at a different time than the Redskins, we get to sit at home and watch our team. If not, it’s off to the bar.
I’ve taken some time out of my busy Saturday of beer drinking to look at both the Redskins and Panthers TV schedules and tell you which weeks you can stay home and which weeks you’re buying chicken wings and PBR.
WEEK 1- Washington @ New Orleans 1:00 FOX, Carolina @ Tampa Bay 4:15 FOX
WEEK 2- Washington @ St. Louis 4:05 FOX, Carolina vs. New Orleans 1:00 FOX
Isn’t it a bitch when you’re expecting a double-header and all the sudden you end up watching "Poker Stars" or some bullshit like that? Then to rub it in CBS is showing Houston vs. Cleveland. Wow, I’d rather eat paperclips and shit nickels.
I’m thinking you stay home this week. Oh yeah, St. Louis will be horrible again. Redskins win 38-17.
WEEK 3- Washington vs. Cincinnati 1:00 CBS, Carolina vs. NYG 8:20 NFLN
The home opener this year is against Cinci-fucking-nnati? Really? OK, whatever. The good news is, you get to stay at home again because this bad boy will be on local TV. Redskins put a stomping on the Bengals and that ugly Andy Dalton, 24-21.
WEEK 4- Washington @ Tampa Bay 4:15 FOX, Carolina @ Atlanta 1:00 FOX
Again, NC Skins fan hit the jackpot. this one should be televised for you. Tampa Bay, a city known for strip clubs and awesome partying signs a drunk and a fatass looking for money. That should work out well.
Also, the Redskins hold the record for fewest offensive yards in a playoff win. Opponent? Tampa Bay. This game is nothing like that one, Redskins win 33-13.
WEEK 5- Washington vs. Atlanta 1:00 FOX, Carolina vs. Seattle 4:05 FOX
Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow! Four weeks in a row, 4 televised Redskins games, meaning me on my couch, with a beer. Atlanta is hard to figure out…oh. no they’re not. They win at home, lose on the road and choke in the playoffs. I NEEDED you to beat the Giants last year. Eat a dick Matt Ryan. Redskins win 23-20.
WEEK 6- Washington vs. Minnesota 4:15 FOX, Carolina vs. BYE WEEK!
I think this game will be televised, even though it might be horrible. Two years in a row this game has been bullshit. 201o, Brett Favre runs for a first down to seal it. I repeat, Brett Favre R-U-N-S for a first down to seal it.
Last year we knock out Adrian Peterson (you may have heard of him) and Christian Ponder. Enter: Toby Gerhardt and Joe Webb. Ducks in a barrel right? Nope. Redskins lose 27-30. Don’t ask.
WEEK 7- Washington @ NYG 1:00 FOX, Carolina vs. Dallas 1:00 FOX
Sorry NC, but this is the first week you definitely have to go out to see the game. No worries though, by this point Robert is hitting his stride and looking SEXAY! Not to mention we swept these bitches last year.
Redskins win 28-21. Drive safe on the way home.
WEEK 8- Washington @ Pittsburgh 1:00 FOX, Carolina @ Chicago 1:00 FOX
Ugh. Bar again for us. Also we have to put up with insufferable Steelers fans. Seriously, you’re worse than Dallas fans. My wife is a "Steelers" fan, because she was born 40 minutes from Pittsburgh. She knows Roethlisberger and the guy with the long hair. She also thinks Jerome Bettis still plays for them. That sums up the fan base.
What makes Pittsburgh so awful is that they are actually good every year. Pittsburgh wins 24-19 and I will fart in my wife’s dinner.
WEEK 9- Washington vs. Carolina 1:00 FOX, Carolina @ Washington 1:00 FOX.
This game is 1,000,000 percent going to be on TV. Washington is 7-2 against Carolina. Carolina sucks balls and the fans have come out like cockroaches since Cam came around. Well, RG3 is better. 31-27 Washington.
WEEK 10- BYE
Stay home and be productive.
WEEK 11- Washington vs. Philadelphia 1:00 FOX, Carolina vs. Tampa Bay 1:00 FOX
God dammit! Nobody likes the Panthers. This is one of those weeks that I get really pissed that I have to go to the bar and watch the game. What will get better ratings, Redskins versus Eagles or Panthers versus Bucs?
Whatever. Burn in hell TV execs. Redskins lose 29-23.
WEEK 12- Washington @ Dallas 4:15 FOX (Thanksgiving Day)
You’ll surely be home or in front of a TV for this one, and the probability of the Panthers fucking this up for you are 0.00.
Is there anything more awesome than the Redskins on Thanksgiving? Nope, didn’t think so. Redskins win big 41-20.
WEEK 13- Washington vs. NYG 8:30 ESPN ( Monday Night Football)
If you have cable, stay home. If you’re poor like me, go to the bar or to your buddies house for this one.
This is the week we go up against the defending Superbo…oh wait, we swept these bitches. Redskins win 17-13.
WEEK 14- Washington vs. Baltimore 1:00 CBS, Carolina vs. Atlanta 1:00 FOX
Flacco is not elite. London Fletcher is better than Ray Lewis. This game is televised locally. Redskins win 20-14.
WEEK 15- Washington @Cleveland 1:00 FOX, Carolina vs. San Diego 4:05 FOX
There were some Redskins fans talking about Brandon Weeden before the draft. "We should trade back. Weeden is the smart move. He can start right away."
This game will show why the Redskins were right and Cleveland drafted a 28-year-old rookie. But somehow this is a game the Skins lose, 21-28. I don’t know.
Oh yeah, kick your feet up and stay home.
WEEK 16- Washington @ Philadelphia 1:00 FOX, Carolina vs. Oakland 1:00 CBS
Finally! I get to send my brother-in-law ridiculous text messages during the game from the comfort of my recliner.
Redskins get revenge, winning 52-23.
WEEK 17- Washington vs. Dallas 1:00 FOX, Carolina @ New Orleans 1:00 FOX
You’ll have to go out for this one, but it’s all good. Playoffs baby! Skins sweep the Boys, winning 30-20.
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