Cornball Brothers

Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE

RG3, Alfred Morris and Captain Kirk lead a cast of characters Mike Shanahan has brought to the Redskins this year.

Disclaimer: I don't know what a "cornball brother" is - so before any of you try to ruin my fledging blogging career-I'm not a racist and this isn't a race related post. I'm just trying to ride in the wake of terrible sportscasting.

That being said, I don't know the race of his girlfriend nor his political leanings, but Kirk Cousins is probably the biggest cornball brother on the Redskins roster (despite what certain unfired ESPN personalities might believe).

I'm not talking about the whacky stories of him getting caught at church with his parents when he was supposed to be in a drunken bar fight. Or when he enlisted the help of Chris Cooley to move into his new apartment because hey - mid-round quarterbacks with 4 year deals worth over $2 million get cut every day. ‘Gotta save that loot.

"You go to places like the rookie symposium and they just preach to you, ‘Save your money, save your money, save your money. You don't have much yet, nothing's guaranteed. You could get cut.' So you sort of live with this fear of, ‘How long is this gonna last? I need to save all I can.' So I think I err on the side of cheap and frugal and take too much caution, and the lack of a moving company would suggest that."

- Washington Post Sportsbog

No, having devout faith and being a cheapskate doesn't make you a cornball--but letting the Asian lady at Hair Cuttery botch your hair cut because you're too much of a dork to say anything/realize?

"I get in there and I sit down, and the lady, I don't really understand her because she's not speaking English that clearly," he told me. "There was a communication breakdown of some kind. She took my glasses off so I couldn't really see what she was doing."

The barber went got to work on Cousins's head without another word.

"I put [my glasses] back on, she wheels me around, I look in the mirror and basically I have a mohawk," said Cousins, shaking his head. "And I said, ‘Okay, you're just gonna have to buzz it off.'

I definitely want to apologize to my friends and family back home because I try to represent them well, but this haircut isn't doing it."

- Washington Post Sportsbog

He even apologizes to his family for being such a disgrace. That is seriously the most hilarious thing I have ever seen.

He's like a young Mitt Romney without the corporate vulture/awful politician stuff.

But it gets so much better:

"Every time he enters the huddle, he says TEAM! before he calls the play," Cooley explained. "So he gets in the huddle - TEAM! - then he calls the play."

"My second one-liner that I loved I heard second-hand, from Rex Grossman. He comes off the sideline as the fourth quarter starts, he says, ‘Rex, it's the fourth quarter, it's crunch time, we have to win this thing.'"

Everyone knows a guy like Kirk Cousins. They say things that, if anyone else said them, you'd probably punch them in the face-- but for some reason, coming from them, they raise you out of those dark places in your mind when the game is getting out of hand or your day is going to hell. They make you fight on after you've already given up on yourself. Kirk Cousins is that guy, and he just happens to be a damn good quarterback too.

Cousins isn't the only character in the backfield. Pan the camera over to one of the NFL's leading rushers. A 6th round pick still driving around in his 1991 Mazda 626 that he bought for $2 from his pastor (I need to start going back to church, apparently).

In the same interview with Dan Hellie, Chris Cooley offered this anecdote about Alfred Morris:

"one of my favorite parts about the game, he's in the middle of talking trash and he looks at Bobby Turner, our running backs coach, who I like to refer to as ‘Alfred's dad.' He's always watching him like a dad, and [Morris] says, ‘I was talking trash and I looked at Bobby T and I thought, Oh yeah. He's going to be mad that I'm saying anything.' So then he turned around and walked back to the huddle."

Maybe I'm being too harsh on these guys. We should be thankful we don't have some misfit diva rookie getting in trouble and causing debacles like Dez Bryant. Maybe it's just hard for me to believe that not all genuine good people lead an awful double life as we so often see in our society.

Not so fast, RG3.

"...wants to learn the guitar. And he hopes to write more poetry.

"I'm a hopeless romantic," he said, "so anything I write about is love or the sky. I do have a weird fascination with the sky. It's pretty cool. Whenever you're flying and you just look at the clouds - that's pretty sweet. Those are the types of things I write about. I don't write about heartbreak and things of that nature."

- Washington Post

Again--black, white, red, yellow, purple-- if those words didn't come from the mouth of a beautiful football angel named RG3, would you not want to punch that person in the face?

No, there's nothing corny about loyalty or acting responsible or...poetry, but the whole concept of truly selfless, responsible college graduates with integrity and talent is foreign to me. The majority of 20-somethings I associate with are taking bong-rips and trying to friend request interns from their offices on Facebook.

"The toughest part of the whole deal is, until this point I didn't realize I have a receding hairline," said Cousins. "The harsh reality of a receding hairline on Monday; it really took away the joy of Sunday. Now I gotta start saving money for Bosley treatments. I gotta be even more frugal. I can't be hiring movers now. I gotta put the mover money towards the Bosley treatment."

Ugh...funny and self-deprecating too?

I'm in love.

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