Hating With H8: Carolina Panthers Edition

The whole 'Hating With H8' series started last year with the Carolina Panthers.

Of course, they got pretty offended and called me "classless." Then a writer from Cat Scratch Reader made a pretty limp attempt at a Hating article.

It feels nice to give another go where it all started, and this year there is A LOT to work with...A LOT.

These articles are, more or less, troll bait. Which is fine, because I'm inviting fans of opposing teams to trade insults. It's fun. But nobody trolled the Carolina Panthers fans harder than one of your own. I'd say it was a troll job of epic proportions. A God damn Orson Welles reading "War of the Worlds" troll job.

It was a steamy summer day in Charlotte. Beady-eyed Pat McCrory was busy dodging questions about what companies he lobbies for. Ric Flair was probably drunk somewhere. Cam Newton could finally afford his own computer. Things were going well in Charlotte.

With the birds chirping and spirits high in the Queen City, one of the Panthers had a little extra pep in their step. I don't know if his beard was looking extra hipsterish or what, but on July 24, 2012, Ryan Kalil felt good. Really good. Good enough to stroll on down to the Charlotte Observer and request ad space for this proclamation.

Ryan Kalil took out a full-page ad entitled "Why the Carolina Panthers will win Super Bowl XLVII."

Let's take a look shall we.

Because we have to.

For eighteen years we've wanted, hoped and tried...

But no more.

Sounds like a high schooler writing about the possibility of getting laid for the first time.

A moment is upon us, where dreams become beliefs and yearning becomes conviction.

Is this a Disney movie?

You'll see two decades of seasons bad and good.

Mostly bad.

One hundred-percent, sterling silver victory. The Lombardi trophy. And it reads:


HO-LEE-SH*T! Well, how is that Super Bowl run coming along Ryan? Oh, 1-6? Well, it's not impossible I suppose.

Last night I took my 14-month-old daughter trick-or-treating. I let her have one Reese's Cup and that's it, because I don't want my daughter eating candy, but it's a special occasion. So after that one piece of candy, I put away the bucket and she started crying. I said "Aubrey, now when things don't go our way we can't act like Cam Newton at a press conference OK?"

You know what? I don't even know why I'm doing this. Panthers fans won't even read this, they've already focused their attention back on NASCAR and professional wrestling.

Redskins 45 Panthers 22

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