Hating With H8: Pittsburgh Steelers Edition

My wife grew up about 30 minutes from Pittsburgh, in a small town near the Pennsylvania-West Virginia-Ohio border. Her parents still live there and we visit regularly, and we go to Pittsburgh whenever we're in town. So it's safe to say I've been to Pittsburgh about ten times more than 90 percent of the fans that form the bandwagon.


Pittsburgh, for those of you who haven't been there (Steelers fans), is a mountain side shanty town. When you go into the neighborhoods near downtown you're surrounded by fat pillbillies wearing acid-washed jeans and Polamalu jerseys. No, seriously, even the homeless people are wearing them.

The last time I was in Pittsburgh, I was told "You HAVE to go to Primanti Bros., it's so good!" I ordered the specialty, because when in something that tastes like it was made during the Irish Potato Famine. Chicago has deep dish pizza, Philadelphia has cheese steak and Pittsburgh has a slice of flavorless meatloaf, served on cold white bread with soggy french fries and cabbage on top.


I want to choke every football pundit that says "Steelers fans travel so well." That's a lie. The people of Pittsburgh don't drop their french fry and meatloaf sandwich every weekend to pack up their Chevy Celebrity and drive 600 miles to an opposing stadium. The reason you see Steelers fans in every city is because every spineless bandwagon fan made a choice long ago. Dallas or Pittsburgh? It's a life-altering choice made in trailer parks across the nation.

The Sham Wow waving, goatee'd rednecks that wear black and yellow are the embodiment of an ESPN comments section...uninformed and obnoxious. That's why it was so good seeing all of the #StairwayTo7 idiots have their hopes crushed by the Packers. Of course, later on that year their favorite basketball team, The Heat, won a there's that.

At a bar that I frequent on Sundays, there are a number of Steelers fans. I know, SHOCKER. But two really stand out to me. One is an old dude, with hair like Mitt Romney, who used to be a sports columnist for the local paper. He wears khaki shorts with black dress socks and wingtips, and of course a Steelers sweatshirt. During games he walks around the bar and talks like he is constantly auditioning for a guest spot on 'PTI.' "How did Ben not see that Reed was blitzing and left the right side of the field open!?!? He had Wallace open!!!!" Simply insufferable.

Then there's a Steelers fan who I'm not sure even likes the Steelers...just the shirts. He spends four hours walking around with his phone, only checking stats of his fantasy players. "YES! Stevie Johnson scored on a six-yarder." "OOF! Peterson with a fumble!" Nobody gives a f*ck. Walk in front of the Redskins screen again and I'll knock your teeth out...all eight of them.


Let's all take a minute to bow down and behold the team that was "BUILT THE RIGHT WAY." Because I haven't heard enough about it. How is a team that was built the right way have a defense with an average age of 67 and an "alleged" sex offender at quarterback?

And a little common knowledge, Troy Polamalu is overrated and James Harrison is a joke. The offensive line is HORRID. That's right, a Redskins fan said the Steelers' line is HORRID.


Robert Griffin III plays the part of Big Ben in a bar bathroom. The Steelers' defense plays the part of his security detail, casually looking the other way as Griffin puts the pigskin in the end zone against your will.

Redskins win, 34-24.

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