Charlie Kelly over at APC is a genius. Enjoy.
Bears: Hey Jay, we know you've had a long offseason and all, but we still believe in you and are dedicated to giving you as much help as possible
Cutler: (Texting on phone, paying very little attention)
Angelo: Jay, did you hear me? I said we’re getting you some help. We picked up an offensive tackle in the draft and now we signed Marion Barber.
Cutler: (Annoyed) Who?
Cutler: What? Yea, whatever…can’t you see I’m busy?
/Checks blood sugar
//Eats a cookie
Angelo: (Sigh) I was hoping we wouldn’t have to do this. Jay, we’re gonna have to let you go. Your attitude and lack of effort have become too much for us to handle. We need players motivated to win. Have your locker cleaned out by tomorrow, you’re heading to Oakland.
Cutler: Oakland? I can’t go there, their fans scare me. Besides, who are you gonna replace me with? I’m the first legitimate QB your pitiful team has had since that one asshole in the 80’s or something.
Angelo: Well, we’ve decided to go with…
Grossman: Sup, you insulin needing bitch! The sex cannon has arrived! Now get the hell out of my locker room you chinless mother fucker!
Angelo: You see Jay, we need someone who has the confidence and swagger to win.
Grossman: You’re god damn right Angelo, you worthless piece of shit. I’ll win alright, I’ll win all over your wife’s face. And even if I don’t, you bet your god damned ass, I’m gonna chuck that fucking ball as deep as I can and score some fucking trim afterwards.
Angelo: Right….so anyways Jay, I’m sure you understand that we needed to make this move and I wanna wish you the best of luck.
Cutler: (Swoops bangs out of eyes by throwing his head back) Whatever, I don’t need this team or you.
/Leaves in a huff
//Writes bad poetry on his blog
Grossman: What the fuck is Wilford Brimley’s problem?
Angelo: Eh, I’m not really sure. Anyways, it’s great to have you back Rex. Practice begins tomorrow at 10 am, I look forward to seeing you.
Grossman: Yea, fuck that. I’m going out to the bars so I can unleash the dragon. Just call me when the games start.
Third quarter of Bears game against Falcons. Bears are trailing 21-3
Lovie: We’re getting destroyed out there. Collins just threw his third pick. Where the hell is Grossman?
Urlacher: (Checks phone) Oh hey, I just got a text from him coach….oh wait, it’s just him calling me a “faggy skin head” again. Why does he keep sending me these?
Lovie: At least he doesn’t keep sending you pictures of his genitals
Urlacher: Ugh, yea thank god. He better get here soon.
(Tunnel door flies open)
Grossman: Sup Bitch! The sex cannon is here!
Lovie: Finally, where have you been the past five weeks? You’ve missed all of training camp and pre….are you wearing sandals?
Grossman: Yea bro, it’s August.
Grossman: Whatever bro, anyways what the fuck is going on here? You twats losing already? What is that dipshit Collins doing in? That fucker couldn’t carry my dick.
Lovie: We had to start him, you weren’t here.
Grossman: (Barely paying attention) Ok, well I’m heading in.
Lovie: We’re on defense.
Grossman: Fine, then I’m gonna see if I can get a quickie from one of these girls in the stands.
Lovie: Alright Rex, get out there and bring us back.
Grossman: (Puts on helmet) You bet your sweet ass and half a titty.
(Grossman throws pass about ten feet over Devin Hester on a go route into the hands of the opposing safety)
Lovie: What was that Rex!? You were supposed to do a slant to Johnny Knox.
Grossman: Yea, I changed it. Slant routes are gay so I just tossed the fucker up
/Makes several mentions of having banged Erin Andrews
//Tries to high five Robbie Gould
Lovie: Rex, I’m getting real tired of your cocksure attitude.
/Begins giggling at the mention of the word “cock”
//Trys to make joke about Lovie’s wife.
Lovie: Don’t you even dare! Now straighten up your act or you’re out of here!
Grossman: Look coach, I don’t give a shit either way what play you call or what you think. This is what the sex cannon does, he throws fucking deep and he goes even deeper with the women, ask your wife. It doesn’t matter to me if the entire defense is hanging out in the backfield, I will throw that ball there every time, every fucking time.
Lovie: This isn’t working. Rex, you’re out. Ugh, I hate that I have to do this…..
(Tunnel door opens)
Cutler: I knew you’d come crawling back.
Lovie: We’ll discuss this later. Now, can you bring us back?
Cutler: Uh, yea. I mean I don’t know, whatever.
(Cutler goes out and throws a pick into triple coverage)
Lovie: GOD DAMMIT JAY!!!
Cutler: What? Oh that, yea I don’t care (Swoops bangs). I’ll be in the locker room.