Most players in the NFL need a good nickname. Sure, some names are cool, but for every Ickey, Atari, Frostee, Jammer, Champ, Boss, Dick Butkus, and Sabby Piscitelli, there are literally billions of boring, stupid, and impossible-to-pronounce player names. This is mostly due to the fact that parents are too emotionally drained or unstable following childbirth. However, we, as completely level-headed observers, can correct these naming mistakes by assigning new monikers to many of our beloved Redskins team.
Actually, I'm hoping that this exercise can be counted toward some of the community service hours I've been instructed to perform as a result of my bogus conviction for stalking Veronica Mars. Seriously, it's not stalking when you just happen to be so perfectly matched with someone that you happen to frequent the same parks, restaurants, sporting events, and movie shoots.
But I digest... Here are the nicknames I have so far (DISCLAIMER: I did not come up with a lot of these):
QB John Beck: The Stormin' Mormon is an easy fallback. The Snow White Nephite is a less obvious Mormon option which also references Beck's fair complexion. Heavy Kool-aid drinkers might roll with Savior. Cynics probably prefer Mike Shanahan's Cosmic Joke. His beautiful receding fiery mane allows for Ginger Balls or, one of my favorites, the understated Little Red.
QB Rex Grossman: Sexy Rexy is most common. The Sex Cannon is better. I prefer Fat Tim Tebow. Kevin recently referenced Interceptasaurus Rex. Could also try Boxer Shorts since Rex provides poor ball security, but that might be reaching a bit.
QB Kellen Clemens: If he's playing badly, I'm gonna go with Kellen Heller, because he's like a dyslexic Hellen Keller. If he's playing well, maybe it's Clemonade because I like lemonade (I'd try harder to make this one better if I thought there was much chance of Clemens playing well for the Skins).
RB Tim Hightower: A bit of research shows that Timmy already has a beautiful nickname: Bread Truck. Apparently it goes back to his Richmond days, where he ran hard but carried the ball like a loaf of bread. Understandably, Hightower dislikes this one, and since I'm hoping he can cure his fumble-itis, I'll keep working on an alternative. Whoever plays best out of Hightower, Barnes, and Gomes is getting The Predator for obvious reasons.
RB Ryan Torain: ATV (All Torain Vehicle) is as good as it gets. However, when he's hurt, it changes to Polaris, since a quick Google search tabs the brand as most likely to break down.
RB Roy Helu: "Helu... Goodbye!" is the easy call for when he breaks a long run (yes, I'm stating that event as an inevitability). I need help on this one, and please, no Terrible Tongan or Tenacious Tongan or any other such corny alliterations.
RB Evan Royster: Just realized that if the two rookie rushers ever form a RB committee for the Skins, they could be Roy Royster, which would be adorable. Four would work on two levels: one, because he always gets exactly four yards, and two, because the nickname is solid but unspectacular--just like Royster. Royster looks a lot like this guy I know named Tyler Sears, so that's what I might call him. If you're into mysterious, inside-joke nicknames, you could hop on that bandwagon.
FB Darrel Young: The Amityville Horror, because that's where he was born.
WR Santana Moss: 'Tana is nice. He's also The Cowboy Killer. Actually, Santana Moss is already pretty cool.
WR Jabar Gaffney: Nothing clever here. My gut says Sticks, and I don't know why.
WR Anthony Armstrong: Stretch (Armstrong) is most obvious and pretty good. Elsewhere on the internet, I saw the suggestion for Huggy Bear, and I like that too.
WR Leonard Hankerson: Hank is okay. I prefer Old Man Hankerson. I'd really prefer Runs Good Routes and Catches the Ball.
WR Niles Paul: Google image this dude immediately and think of something that lives up to that fantastic Cheshire Cat grin and pencil-thin 'stache. All I've got is Smiles Paul and Sunshine and those are nowhere near worthy.
WR Brandon Banks: Stabby is perfect, but A Good Way to Get HogsHaven All Riled Up also works.
Tight Ends: Cooley is Captain Chaos and Fred has Sleepy.
O-Line: Silverback is good. Monty and Licht are simple but acceptable. I'm going Tree Trunk for Jammal. Or maybe Two-Face or Dr. Jammal and Mr. Brown as a reference to his vastly different NFL profile pics. Chris Chester can be Gobbles.
D-Line: Cofield is Tazer. Bowen is already Bo Diggity. Jenkins is reportedly getting a lot of Man Child in practice. Carriker is Red Delicious.
Backers: London is probably too badass for a nickname, but the simple Fletch is nice. 'Rak is cemented. Tarzan was cool for Kerrigan before he cut his hair. Now I'm liking Nancy Kerrigan. LoAx is done. So is Rocky. I'll definitely be using the full name for Perry Alphonso Riley.
Corners: D-Hall is decent. I like Chuggs for Josh Wilson, with no clue why. As previously mentioned, Barnes is in the running for Predator, but I like Ipecac, stemming from his most famous hit (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCO0sRPJEZ8). Pip Buchanon is fine for now, but he may need a new moniker after we discover the reason for his suspension.
Safeties: Somebody suggested Oshi for Atogwe, which I think is brilliant. Also wouldn't mind hearing an olé-styled chant of "OA...OAOAOA" echoing throughout Fedex after he makes another pick-six. Landry's got Iron Man, and Atogwe recently dropped Sugar Lo for him, which I also like. It'd be nice to include his pet monkey in a nickname somehow, too. Gomes could win Predator, but I'm digging Colonel Mustard (Dejon/dijon, yeah?). Reed Doughty doesn't need a nickname, since Reed is an awesome name.
Teams: Gano is Golden Graham as long as he keeps hitting. You can reference Rocca's size with Big Sav, The Fat Punter, or Planet Rocca (I would love to see that become his theme song). His Australian nationality might need to be factored in as well. I'd give Sundberg a nickname, but I'm still mourning the loss of the Red Snapper.
Nicknaming the Redskins is a vital task, but one which I cannot sufficiently complete alone. I look forward to seeing everybody's contributions.