How Vinny Cerrato Would Handle Redskins 2011 Free Agency Frenzy
by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 21, 2011 8:27 AM EDT
in Parodies (Having a Laugh)
Email
PrintESPN posted an article yesterday called, "Inside the Mind of a NFL GM," which includes the mandatory steps on handling NFL free agency by......Vinny Cerrato. I stopped reading when my eyes recorded "Coach-GM balance is critical." Really? None of our coaches wanted Haynesworth or Jason Taylor. I digress. Here's how I envision your 2011 Washington Redskins if Cerrato, not Bruce Allen, was given the keys to free agency next week:
| Restructure Albert Haynesworth | 4-years, $44 million ($16m signing bonus) |
| Vinny says: "Albert is the best defensive tackle in the NFL and we are not going to give up on him yet. It's true we signed him to play in a 4-3 defense, and that wasn't fair to Albert. With this new deal and signing bonus, Haynesworth promised he would play any position in the 3-4." | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: There's no way Haynesworth could lie to my face twice. I was smart enough to put in the contract he can't refuse to play or practice. Shooot! I didn't put anything quantitative though. I guess Albert could just go out on every play and just stand there....nah. Not with Kris Jenkins competing for his spot the next three years. | |
| Trade for Jimmy Clausen | 2012 2nd, 3rd round picks |
| Vinny says: "Clausen is the perfect Quarterback for the west coast offense system. He has mobility, accuracy, and he's sooo frickin cool. I'm most excited about this one. Joe Montana once told me at the 2007 Notre Dame alum gala that Clausen has 'great potential.'" | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: I originally tried to trade our 2012 1st round pick for Carson Palmer but Cincy wanted no part of it. I mean...getting a #1 overall QB for what will likely be a pick in the 20s next year? NO BRAINER! Cincy is too smart for that though. LOL. I know Clausen struggled in Carolina, but we're talking about John Fox here. Look what he did with Jake Delhomme, Chris Weinke, David Carr. Mel Kiper and I re-watched all of Jimmy's game tape and we know how to fix it. Shanahan doesn't know I did this trade yet...I'm going to make sure I'm in Palms Springs when he does. LOL. It took a TON of wheeling and dealing, but I was able to save our 1st round pick. Suck it Washington Post!!! | |
| Santana Moss | 6-year/$53 million (guaranteed) |
| Vinny says: "Santana has been a consistent and reliable offensive threat for the Redskins over these fine years. We are proud to announce he will retire a Redskin. $30 million of the contract is payable the last two years as to ensure we could still sign quality players today." | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: The Redskins have over 350,000 Moss jerseys in a warehouse. Re-signing Santana will guarantee these get moved and will pay for the contract...assuming he extends to 8-years. | |
| Sign 7 Undrafted Free Agent OLinemen | Rookie contracts |
| Vinny says: "Establishing an offensive line for the future is a top priority, that's why I'm elated we've signed seven of the nation's best offensive linemen. You probably haven't heard of them, but did you hear of Joe Jacoby before whenever that was? No." | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: If we have a mobile Quarterback then getting decent OLinemen will be more than adequate. Focusing on skilled positions creates excitement and thus more prime time games. | |
| Sign Logan Mankins | 4-years, $49 million |
| Vinny says: "With the influx of young talent at OLine (see above), we need mentors. My sugar tongue was unable to seduce Joe Bugel out of retirement, so this is the next best thing. Mankins not only fills a hole at Guard, but a hole in our players' hearts." | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: Media and fans will not buy that an Oline built on undrafted free agent Olinemen will succeed. I know they can. After all, I found Will Montgomery and Stephon Heyer. Mankins is a nice addition to shut them up. Whether he plays past week six I could care less. He's under 30 years old, so suck it Washington Post!!! | |
| Sign Kris Jenkins | 2-years, $20 million ($13m signing bonus) |
| Vinny says: "The 3-4 defense starts with the Nose Tackle. Did I mention I signed a franchise QB?! Jenkins said he retired, but we all knew he still had that fire in him to play, which is evident when the Redskins came knocking on his door. He didn't even hesitate to sign. That's what Redskins football is about. It was a little strange he said no, until we showed him the contract, but maybe he thought we weren't serious he could still play!" | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: We have Dr. Andrews on speed dial...nothing to worry about here on his knee. | |
| Release McNabb | 1st minute of free agency |
| Vinny says: "McNabb is a Pro-Bowl Quarterback who will continue somewhere, I think." | |
| Vinny's internal thoughts: I don't care what McNabb does because Clausen will double it. | |
So what did I miss? Another DHall style signing for Nnamdi?
34 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
haha
Yea, I originally had it as a package deal…2012/2013 1st rounders for Ocho and Palmer…but ultimately went with Clausen.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -Groucho Marx
Hogs Haven. On Twitter..
by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 21, 2011 8:48 AM EDT up reply actions
Lets thank our lucky stars
Vinny is out of DC. If not, our FA would look the the GM exercise Parks did.
I got Tiger Blood running through my veins!
by Tiller56 on Jul 21, 2011 8:47 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
C'mon, you guys are nuts. Vinny + Danny, forget about it. The third time around is the charm.
@Callahan_9 on the twitter machine.
We joke, but would anyone be shocked if Danny boy did it in a few years? Hold on I’m going to go smother myself now.
You know, the ancient Romans had a way of handling Emperors that might apply to Danny....
if he keeps bringing Vinny back.
Just check out the percentage of Roman Emperors who lived to a ripe old age… and the percentage that didn’t.
Just saying….
No Danny, Nooooooo - Tom Landry, 1982., and Washington Redskins fans, 1999-
There was a good one on Twitter too
Sign Tiki Barber and trade for Ronde…jer$ey sales!!!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -Groucho Marx
Hogs Haven. On Twitter..
I still think
We should look into getting Reggie Bush – for the right price, he’s only 26- averages 4/5 catches a game – and he’d be the only RB roster with legit speed.
I know there are tons of negative things that come with reggie – he’s not a real RB, he’s a UTIL guy, he’s injury prone, etc etc
but you can’t tell me that any opposing defense gets put on their heels when anyone on our roster has the ball in their hands – Reggie has that “zing” to make huge plays – plus our grass will help his knees…
hell – just send mcnabb and haynesworth to the Saints – i’m sure GreggW will know what to do with him
maybe my post
was made from all the cerrato brainwashing lol… but after torain and helu – i’m not sold on any other RB in shanny’s stable
Completely agree
There is no reason we should getting a player like him. Let’s see what the guys we drafted can do
"You're fucking out!"
Helu does have legit speed though.
Not as elusive or explosive as Bush (who is?) but he’s a real RB.
Go Suns, Packers, Jays, and Huskers!
Green Bay Packers: Super Bowl XLV Champions!!!!
I also edit things at Ridiculous Upside. Check it out.
So was his ex-girlfriend
I got Tiger Blood running through my veins!
by Tiller56 on Jul 21, 2011 4:41 PM EDT up reply actions 3 recs
ESPN.com is using Vinny as a free agency analyst
A quote from Vinny:
“You’re not going to want those kind of players who isn’t going to work and doesn’t love football. You don’t want to pay that guy a lot of money. You gotta know the guy, because you’ve had plenty of time to investigate.”
Ummmmmmm…. Why did you get fired? Oh yeah, Fat contracts, guys who don’t want to work, and red flags that everybody but you can see.
IDIOT!
A Redskin Potato
Also great........
“I’m the GM, so I’m working on unrestricted free agents at midnight, along with my owner and my head coach. "
Wait what…the owner? At midnight?
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -Groucho Marx
Hogs Haven. On Twitter..
by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 21, 2011 10:31 AM EDT up reply actions
If Orton is cut due to salary in Denver...
Should we pick him up? I say yes.
"That's what she said!"
I don't think they cut him outright
if they want to get rid of him that bad, someone will give a lower round draft pick
I got Tiger Blood running through my veins!
Do you mean should we give up a lower round draft pick for him?
I say yes if it is a 4th or later. He would be an upgrade to our team, and could act as a good mentor for a young QB next year. We have 2 4th’s, so I don’t think it would hurt to have him.
I don’t believe he really fits our style of offense, but neither do Beck or Grossman. I think Orton lack the arm needed to run our offense to its max.
If this were ever to happen, we obviously don’t re-sign Rex, we let Beck be the backup, and we sign a UDFA to be our 3rd QB.
I got Tiger Blood running through my veins!
yeah, kind of a tough call....
side by side Orton is the better quarterback, but is that separation enough to overcome the fact that Grossman knows the system inside and out? Also, for that very reason, I think that Grossman would make a better mentor for the new guy coming in. I think he wants to be here, he has a good relationship and good communication with the OC, which is good, and he has John Beck breathing down his neck if he falters. I kind of look at it as a “sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know” situation.
it depends on what happens, and what "lower round" means....
the obvious would be to trade them the 4th we got for Campbell, I think I would be OK with this, I wouldn’t put a whole lot of urgency behind it. If we managed to get something mid round for AH or Donna that might make it a bit more palatable.
It would be like getting rid of Hayney, gaining Orton and breaking even.
Sounds good to me.
"That's what she said!"
Nice Job Kevin....
when I first read the headline my first thought was that it was going to be a “Ok, that was 5 minutes of my life I will never get back” kind of post. I was mistaken, some good chuckles in there without simply recycling the same old crap.
Well I mean he just needs to be locked in a chest and dropped overboard in the mid Atlantic
Before he destroys anymore lives.
by Dammit Cerrato... on Jul 21, 2011 1:32 PM EDT reply actions
I don't know...
I hear that donnio say Vinny’s not that bad…
by RobtheRedskin on Jul 21, 2011 2:21 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
We dont want Orton, we need all of our pics next year to ensure we can trade up and get one of the big 3 QB’s coming out. We already have two guys baby sitting the QB spot, we dont need 3.
Going to have a really good look at 1 of the big 3 w/o trading up.
Luck goes #1
Bark between 2-6
Jones between 5-10
@Callahan_9 on the twitter machine.
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
Related FanPosts on Hogs Haven
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Recommended FanPosts
Recent FanPosts
In Association With
Shutdown Corner - NFL - Yahoo! Sports
- Detroit Lions DT Nick Fairley arrested again; now has more NFL arrests than NFL sacks
- Former high-school star Brian Banks does serious time on trumped-up charge, now hopes for an NFL shot
- Former ‘idiot kicker’ Mike Vanderjagt in trouble after accosting junior-high heckler
- Adrian Peterson blows teammates away in footraces; appears to be on the mend
- UPDATE: Charlie Sheen didn’t buy Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl ring
