Kicking (Flat) Tires: Jared Lorenzen

by Kevin Ewoldt on May 18, 2011 1:07 PM EDT in Redskins Analysis

Which player's build is less athletic for their position? I dunno.

Image via www.nationofblue.com

Hogs Haven Editor, Parks Smith, has done a great job in his "Kicking Tires" series highlighting all the free agent QBs that are available. Since Shanahan likes a minimum of 4 QBs in camp, assuming this lockout ends before August, the Redskins Head Coach will need to sign at least one of these free agent guys (I think Rex will be back). One QB that has been forgotten is former undrafted NY Giants Quarterbarck, Jared Lorenzen.

Pros:

- Leads the UIFL (Ultiamte Indoor Football League) in passing with 2896 yards (263 yards per game average) and total offense with a 268.5 yards per game.
- Led a game-winning game against the Ravens in the 2006 pre-season (that sounds like he can run a 2-minute drill to me)
- Dealt with 2 Head Coaching changes at Kentucky, so he has experience with learning new systems
- Can be our 3rd and 1 rusher (converted a QB sneak pushing the pile vs Eagles in a Wild Card game)
- Has Kentucky ties to DC athletes: John Wall and Jeremy Jarmon
- As his UIFL profile states, he's a "Super Bowl Winning QB."
- He's the UIFL's 6th leading rusher, which will come in handy behind Rabach.

Cons:

- He's 320+ pounds
- He failed to stay in the NFL after being a backup under both Peyton and Eli Manning
- In regards to work-ethic, he could be a bad influence on Haynesworth
- Behind our OLine, we need a QB that can take hits. A stomach full of 4 deep dish pizzas will certainly do the trick.

I mean, who wouldn't want to see Lorenzen in the open-field steam-rolling 3 defenders? (video after jump)

Tweet Comment 36 comments | 1 recs |

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Comments

Looks like the UIFL

pays its players with calories of one kind or another.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 18, 2011 1:13 PM EDT reply actions

PS - You added an extra consonant to "Flat."

I’ll let you decide which one.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 18, 2011 1:14 PM EDT up reply actions

Great minds scott... Great minds

by skinsfan28 on May 18, 2011 1:14 PM EDT up reply actions

Yes, we can both take a bow

Spelled correctly all they way through.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 18, 2011 1:15 PM EDT up reply actions

You mis-spelled Fat in the title, there's no L

by skinsfan28 on May 18, 2011 1:14 PM EDT reply actions

We could say, however,

that these UIFL dudes look like well-couched athletes.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 18, 2011 1:21 PM EDT up reply actions

This one needs the disclaimer that I will happily take credit for after talking Sorgi

The photo says it all lol, I mean, which one is Lorenzen??

by Dammit Cerrato... on May 18, 2011 1:17 PM EDT reply actions 5 recs

oh man, that is such a better caption. Rec'd.

"If everyone is thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking." -George S. Patton
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by Kevin Ewoldt on May 18, 2011 1:19 PM EDT up reply actions

We should put him in the backfield

Just with his hand in the dirt in goal line situations!

by Dammit Cerrato... on May 18, 2011 1:21 PM EDT up reply actions

That picture looks like a screenshot from Madden

They can't hang with me, their bones would melt like wax.
-Charlie Sheen-

by Skinsaholic21 on May 18, 2011 4:37 PM EDT up reply actions

He’s got great blocking form for half back passes

by Mr. E on May 18, 2011 6:20 PM EDT up reply actions

No. 70

Looks like he’s actually wearing Sumo attire under his uni. Amazing.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 19, 2011 9:38 AM EDT up reply actions

I loved watching this guy at Kentucky

by CarverM on May 18, 2011 1:34 PM EDT reply actions

70? is he our solution at NT?

by Lavar56 on May 18, 2011 1:38 PM EDT reply actions

He could be, but

Dan refuses to fly him up here in his plane. For obvious reasons. It would be expensive to truck him up here to with the extra Wide Load surcharges, too.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 18, 2011 1:42 PM EDT up reply actions

*to

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 18, 2011 1:43 PM EDT up reply actions

U were right the first time Scott

by Toosy_13 on May 18, 2011 2:08 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions

self-edit response fail

on my part. Meant that to be a strike out of the first “to.”

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

by Scott E on May 19, 2011 9:29 AM EDT up reply actions

U were right the first time Scott

by Toosy_13 on May 18, 2011 2:08 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions

Why does an o-lineman have the football in the pic?

What the shit

by tony420 on May 18, 2011 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

that was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw it

SpottieOttieDopaliscious

by Rekka on May 18, 2011 2:13 PM EDT up reply actions

Hahaha

Via Wiki

Due to Lorenzen’s considerable girth, he has been given a collection of nicknames, which include:“Jumbo Giant”, “Fat Jared”, “Quarter(got)back”, “QBese”, “Hefty Lefty”, “The Pillsbury Throwboy”,“J.Load”,“Round Mound of Touchdown”, “Tubby Gunslinger”,“BBQ (Big Beautiful Quarterback)” “Battleship Lorenzen”,“Butterball”, “Lord Of The Ring-Dings”, and “He Ate Me”.

SpottieOttieDopaliscious

by Rekka on May 18, 2011 2:18 PM EDT reply actions 4 recs