Last Minute Mock - 1 Round

In case you haven't already read enough of them, here's another mock. I made it last night. I promise I wasn't drunk, but I was pretty tired. It's pretty half-assed, but I still spent a good hour or two on it, so hopefully it possesses a few redeeming qualities.

If you wonder why I keep referring to winning free money in the mock, it's because I only made it to enter's free mock contest, which is awarding cash prizes to the top 3 entries. Don't enter it though, because it hurts my chances. Man, I hope I win, because I love money.

1. Panthers - Cam Newton, QB, Auburn:  I don't think Newton will ever be a good NFL QB. I don't think he's got the football intelligence and decision-making ability to read a defense and run through progressions. He can't just run over everybody like he did at Auburn. He's also not that accurate. However, everyone and their mother has him going first overall, so I'm following. And who knows--if I'm wrong and he learns to run a complex NFL offense, he'll probably be a pro bowler. He's certainly got the physical tools. Sorry Jimmy Clausen.

2. Broncos - Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M:  Miller or Dareus here? Toss up. I'm going with Miller because NT is deeper than OLB in this draft. Also because most people are slotting Dareus here, and I want to be different to seem smarter.

3. Bills - Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama:  If Dareus doesn't go #2, I'm pretty sure he's going #3. I'm trying to start a fake rumor that he fell down the stairs and tore all his knee ligaments last night so that he'll fall to #10. Then I'm gonna call Mike Shanahan (yeah, I have his number--speed dial #3), and be like, "Hey Mike. Reed. That whole Dareus double knee devastation thing? Just a rumor. You know what to do." Man, I hope that works.

4. Bengals - A.J. Green, WR, Georgia:  Carson Palmer took his ball and went home. T.O. is gone. Ochocinco is aging badly and might be gone. A.J. Green is a beauty of a receiving prospect. Spiderman hands, excellent speed, route running, leaping ability. Hard worker. Fragment sentences.

5. Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU:  Everybody thinks they need a QB, but Derek Anderson is pretty good when you consider that he plays drunk. Kiper, Mayock, AND WalterFootball have Peterson here, so who am I to disagree? Peterson is a physical freak and a playmaker. If he can continue to improve his technique, he'll soon be an elite NFL corner.

6. Browns - Julio Jones, WR, Alabama:  This pick should be Julio or Quinn. Colt McCoy had a pretty impressive rookie season, and I think Cleveland will look to get him an actual receiver to throw to (handing off to Peyton Hillis--who wore down considerably as the season progressed--doesn't count as a throw). Julio might be just a bit more physically gifted than Green (both are freakish athletes), but his hands are a bit inconsistent. Some point to the fact that he tended to disappear from games sometimes, but I think some of that can be explained by the fact that 'Bama was usually happy to pound inferior opponents with the running game.

I'm in this for the money, and this pick is a bit risky. If Julio doesn't go here, he probably drops to #10 or maybe even #14 and I lose points long time.

P.S. - I'm 100% confident that Chris Berman will bust out "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" as soon as Jones makes "Fastest 3 Minutes." Stu Scott, you better not steal it, or Berman might eat you.

7. 49ers - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri:  Gabbert is the consensus pick here. Personally, I prefer the conspiracy of Harbaugh tanking next season to try to get Andy Luck. If that's really the strategy (and I really hope it is), the Niners will probably trade this pick to another crappy team for their 2012 pick so they'll have two shots at Luck. Hopefully they trade with the Redskins, because in 2012, Egyptian Mayan Aliens are bringing down the apocalypse, laser-fireball-superflu style. So go ahead and take next year's pick, dummies.

BOLD PREDICTION: Gabbert is the first rookie to be featured in a cologne ad.

8. Titans - Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn:  I see that WalterFootball has Locker going here, and I really hope this is the case--that'll just be 20 fewer minutes that I have to worry about the Redskins picking him. I like everything about Locker except that his accuracy sucks, his footwork is goofy, and he can't read a defense from inside the pocket. He seems to be an extremely hard worker so maybe he can fix some of that stuff, but he's still got way too many question marks for me to want to draft him in the first round. Also, I don't like that he went to Washington, and he can't fix that.

Oh yeah, so uh, Fairley's good and I think Tennessee is going to pick him.

9. Cowboys - Tyron Smith, OT, USC:  This is the toughest decision I've had to make so far. OT, DE, or CB? Dallas really needs all three, so I guess it comes down to who they like most. If I go with DE, I still have to choose between Watt and Jordan, so scratch that one. Besides, Jerry and Jason Garrett are running the show now, and they're both offense guys. With a little better protection, maybe Romo will get hurt in week 14 rather than week 9.

Crazy draft idea: Jerruh taps into his Arkansas roots and snags (gasp!) Ryan Mallett all the way up at #9. Not gonna happen, but how badass will I look if it does?

10. Redskins - Robert Quinn, DE/OLB, North Carolina:  Ah, the pick we've ALL been waiting for. I really don't want Jake Locker at #10. I like Julio, Quinn, Prince, or Tyron Smith. Oddly, I think that following the Skins so closely has made me even more confused as to what Shanahan plans to do with this pick. My first guess would probably be that they trade down. If they do trade down, Quinn is probably the BPA here and the guy teams might want to trade up for. If they stay put, Quinn is probably the BPA here and the guy the Skins should pick.

11. Texans - Aldon Smith, DE/OLB, Missouri:  At this point, I'm starting to get scared I'm letting Prince Amakameekeemaru slide too far. However, most people seem to like OLB or DE here. I have no real reason for choosing Smith, but I need to go to bed soon.

12. Vikings - Cameron Jordan, DE, Californina:  Some are slotting Locker here, but Minny's still in "win now" mode, and I think they'll look to snag a veteran QB (McNabb, Kolb, Palmer) instead. Discounting QB, I like DE as the pick, and Cam Jordan should probably be picked by now.

13. Lions - Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska:  This pick comes down to Amukamara vs. Castonzo. Prince is probably the better prospect, but it'd be really smart for Detroit to start putting together a decent line--that Stafford guy is supposed to be their savior, but he can't do it if he keeps getting hurt.

However, Amukamara has a better chance to go high, so I'm playing the "win the money" game and taking him based solely on that reasoning.

14. Rams - Cory Liuget, DT, Illinois:  Everybody else is doing it, so me too. I really stopped paying attention to this thing after the Skins picked.

15. Dolphins - Mike Pouncey, OG/C, Florida:  Another one where I'm just following the crowd.

I bet people mixed up Mike's and Maurkice's names a lot when they were kids. Also now, when they're adults. I don't know why they had to be kids for people to confuse their names. Maybe because they were mostly hanging out with kids at the time and kids are stupider than adults. Also because now they're famous.

16. Jaguars - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue:  Dang. Three in a row where all the experts agree. This mock draft thing is easy.

Purdue better have a major where you can actually learn to be a guy who makes boilers. Otherwise, they're a bunch of posers.

17. Patriots - J.J. Watt, DE, Wisconsin:  Screw the OT talk. This one's between Watt and Wilkerson. I feel like the Pats usually take guys with weird names (advantage: Muhammad Wilkerson), but I think they're rolling with the guy whose great grandfather invented electricity stuff because Belichick is really into tech stuff like videocameras.

18. Chargers - Muhammad Wilkerson, DT/DE, Temple:  San Diego should really try to trade this pick to the Giants for like a million picks and then draft somebody as good as LaDainian Tomlinson, because that worked out really well last time.

19. Giants - Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College:  They need O-line, plus Castonzo probably should've already been drafted, so I'm covering my ass for this free money contest.

20. Buccaneers - Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson:  Remember when this guy was supposed to go #1 overall? He really shouldn't have had such a bad knee or whatever. Big mistake, dummy.

21. Chiefs - Nate Solder, OT, Colorado:  I really want to put Phil Taylor here to mix it up a bit. Remember when I said earlier I made some pick to be different? And then I made a bunch of picks just because all the experts made those picks? Man, I'm inconsistent.

I'm sticking with O-line for now. Plus, with a name like that, Mr. Solder can probably X-clamp mod everybody's Xboxes, which should help team morale. Knowing that they're safe from the dreaded Red Ring of Death, every Chief should be able to focus entirely on being good at football.

What do you guys think? Name puns getting old, or still funny? Still funny? All right, I'll try for some more later.

22. Colts - Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin:  This guy will probably go around here somewhere. If the Colts end up shelling out for Peyton's fatty contract (they will), they'd better protect him. He's getting pretty old, you know.

23. Eagles - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado:  Jimmy Smith or Derek Sherrod? Ah, heck--Vick's back there; he doesn't really need a line.

I bet that people who name their kids Jimmy Smith are usually firewatch guys and tax preparers and not, like, lead singers in a band or weird painters.

24. Saints - Phil Taylor, DT, Baylor:  It's New Orleans, so they'll probably just go FPA (fattest player available).

25. Seahawks - Marvin Austin, DT, North Carolina:  Buzz is growing about Andy Dalton here. But guys, Pete Carroll coached at USC--he's used to having a QB with a good arm.

If they go QB, I think it's probably Locker, but I'm starting to feel a Locker slide coming on.

I don't know much about this dude because he didn't play last year and the Redskins aren't gonna take him, but he's the pick. Checkmate.

26. Ravens - Cameron Heyward, DE, Ohio State:  Jason Heyward is gonna be way better at baseball than this guy is at football. He's gonna make way more money and be way more famous and way more happy. Deal with it, Cameron.

27. Falcons - Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa:  Atlanta should probably grab Mallett just to keep Matt Ryan on his toes. But apparently they're gonna get this guy instead.

28. Patriots - Jake Locker, QB, Washington:  Earlier when I said I felt a Locker slide coming on, I was just kidding.

Somebody is probably gonna trade up to snag Locker around here. The Pats are always trading down, probably just because Belichick wants the analysts to give him a good draft grade.

29. Bears - Derek Sherrod, OT, Missisippi State:  How are the Bears picking this late? Man, the NFC sucks.

This isn't related or anything, but I hate Jay Cutler. A lot.

30. Jets - Akeem Ayers, OLB, UCLA:  First time this dude bats down a pass: "Throw your hands in the Ayer." And if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit, you probably shoulda got drafted by New Orleans or Atlanta.

31. Steelers - Aaron Williams, DB, Texas:  I really need to go to bed.

32. Packers - Danny Watkins, OT, Baylor:  Sorry, Brooks Reed. You're out of the first round. Good last name, though.

GB needs to keep Rodgers in one piece and improve the run game. Hey, maybe they'll take Mark Ingram. Nope, already made the pick. Just submit it, dude.

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