Hating with H8 in our Hearts: Jets Edition

Well, it's that time again, Skins fans...and no, I am not referring to Rex Ryan's shower day (that's Thursdays). It's time to say, "fuck the Christmas spirit," and channel our excommunicated, retarded cousin with an odd penchant for emo teen sci-fi dramas by mentally raping this week's opponent. I can't promise that I will live up to the lofty standard that iH8dallas has set...or even that I will try...but I will try to try.

Johnny Lam Jones > Art Monk
*(note to Jets fans: that funny looking symbol there is called a "greater than sign". Think of it like Rex Ryan's fat mouth going after the player that smells more like Nick Folk's sexy feet. In this case, it is used ironically...sound it out. Irony is a literary device used to indicate mockery by implying the opposite of something...like when people refer to Mark Sanchez as a franchise quarterback.)

At first, I considered just posting the video of John Rocker explaining New York City to the uninitiated, but then I remembered most Jets fans have never been to "da city" as they fear the sorcery of bridges. Cheddar Bob Burress tried to explain what New York is like to his teammates, but they didn't seem to grasp the concept of businesses that weren't fronts for Korean hand job parlors.

Ken O'Brien > Dan Marino

Despite their genetic and social disadvantages, it is possible that Skins fans may run into some of the gangrenous nation at Sunday's game. Whatever you do, do not awaken them from their stupor of believing they are a Super Bowl contender. Much like waking a sleepwalker, Jets fans could easily have seizures, strokes, or heart attacks (read: Rex Ryan's acid reflux) if alerted to the fact that they have not won anything in over 4 decades. It is best to just let them masturbate in the stands quietly while they mumble about wanting to be shipwrecked on Revis Island. Do not...I repeat, DO NOT...make eye contact.

Roger Vick > Bruce Armstrong

Ladies, if you come in contact with a group of Jets fans at the game, there is a 99.3% chance they will try to rape you (or as the Situation refers to it, "gettin it in"). In all seriousness, the best course of action is to simply allow them to attempt whatever their aunt taught them sex was. You have nothing to truly fear as decades of inbreeding have left them too small to penetrate anything larger than a skin pore. Don't even worry about the mess...it is a foregone conclusion that they will be unable to last long enough to avoid messing their own Zubaz shorts.

Jeff Lageman > Steve Atwater

Mike Greenberg is their boy.

Blair Thomas > Emmitt Smith > Walter Payton

You may notice that Jets fans are overly antagonistic and disrespectful at Sunday's game. It is the natural reaction to want to beat them stupider with their own ginormous sausage fingers. However, I encourage you to take the high road. After all, they are just devastated that our signing of Reed Doughty has prevented them from stockpiling yet another unathletic white safety.

Kyle Brady > Warren Sapp

If you are the type of fan that would like to buy your vanquished foe a drink following the 31-17 Skins win, here are a few tips. You may want to bring a secret stash of their favorite bevvies into the game with you as the stadium most likely will not be offering Thunderbird, Zima Gold, or Russian aftershave. Do not be offended if they take your kind offer and pour it all over their face and chest, proclaiming how fucking wasted they are after doing so. This is their custom, and it is not up to us to question their ways. Lastly, if attempting to engage in conversation with a Jets fan, please be sure to stand directly to their side at all times at least 3 feet away. It is not uncommon for them to unwittingly lose control of their bladder or rectum while attempting to understand the English language.

Bryan Thomas > Ed Reed

I hope this post is helpful to Skins fans attending the game on Sunday even though it is only scratching the surface of their species. If any situations should arise that have not been covered above, remember this simple rule:

When In Doubt, Stomp Their Gout.

Peace out, bitches.

Sincerely,
Jim America

P.S. HAIL!