FanPost

Hating without H8: Seattle edition



With ih8dallas back in exile this week, I thought I would do my best impersonation.  I'm assuming ih8 is simply too exhausted from continuous viewing of Twilight to be available.  Please forgive me if I'm unable to achieve true equality with the real thing.

This week the Redskins travel to the pacific northwest to take on the Seattle Lycans.  It is well known around the NFL that winning a road game in Seattle is a difficult thing.  This is often attributed, falsely, to two factors: 

1)  The long flight from the east coast to Seattle.

2)  Crowd Noise.

Regarding #1, this is pure malarkey.  We all know The Danny flies them everywhere in Redskins One, so they arrive rested and refreshed.  Plus, the flight to Seattle isn't much longer than the flight to Dallas, and we always kick the Cowgirls asses.  So that's debunked.

The real problem with traveling to Seattle is the weather.  Upon arriving, the dreariness and lack of sun immediately begin to sap your will to live.  The longer you stay there, the more apathetic you become.   Remember Grunge?  That started in Seattle with people who could no longer muster the strength to bother bathing or changing clothes on more than a monthly basis.  Simply going to Seattle and escaping before you kill yourself in a bought of depression is tough enough, so ordinary teams have too many problems with that to worry about winning a football game.  Luckily, Washington is no ordinary team, and regular exposure to politicians has made them immune to depression.

 

Regarding crowd noise, this is a problem, but only because the Lycans cheat by playing artificial noise over their loudspeakers.  When your home "crowd" is made up of pale skinned 13 year old girls who wear an emotionless mask all the time and their ever so friendly and loving vampire boyfriends, they just aren't going to make much noise.  No, the real problem is the disco ball that the Lycans hang above the 50 yard line.  They shine a high intensity spotlight on it, and it reflects onto all the loving vampires.  Their skins gets all sparkly and the players get distracted.  To combat this effect, all Redskins players have been issued official contacts that block out all vampire sparklyness.  The contacts are endorsed by Carlos Rogers for effectiveness. 

 

Now, on to the prediction: 

 

000000hhhhhh-   Sparkly.......................

 

 

Sorry, forgot my contacts and got distracted.   Of course, I see a blowout.  Washington 68, Seattle -6.  Sexy Rexy will unleash the Dragon for 9 touchdowns, and just for fun, they'll get 3 two point conversions and a safety.

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