Hating With H8 : The Dallas Edition

This is it ladies and gents! The week we've been waiting for and I've brewed an extra special jug of freshly squeezed Haterade for you. So open your mouth and swallow (that's what she said!)

I'll make this my Paradise Lost (which for you Dallas fans is a book).

It's hard to hate on the city of Dallas, because I've never been there, like 99.96 percent of Dallas fans. However, I do see Dallas fans all over the place. They're at court, you see them smoking cigarettes in front of the probation office, the library (not to read, but to use the free internet) and there always seem to be a lot at Wal-Mart.

I'll approach one, while clinching my nose, taking notice of their wrinkled and faded Roy Williams jersey and ask, "So why are you a Cowboys fan?"

"I've always loved the Cowboys," they respond. "Ever since 1993."

"Are you from Dallas?", I ask.

At this point they get angry and slightly confused, like Rick Perry during a debate. They act like I just asked them about their father, who is probably serving time for possession of cocaine and domestic violence.

A typical bandwagon answer. The Cowboys are in the Holy Trinity of bandwagon fans. Steelers, Yankees and Cowboys. More often than not a Cowboys fan is also a Yankees fan and claim that the Steelers are their "other team". Way to root for your city, you spineless turds.

Now, it's important that you are able to spot a Cowboys fan (hint: you won't find one in your grad school class). So I've broken them down for you.

When in the midst of a Cowboys fan you will first hear them, be aware of poor grammar and double negatives, such as "Them Deadskins ain't got shit on us." The Cowboys fans generally lack anything higher than a high school education so this is their form of communication.

Also take notice of the aroma they give off. It's a horrible combination of stale Newport smoke, freshly cashed disability checks, oxycontin and McDonald's dollar menu fries.

Yes, indeed Dallas fans are the bottom of the barrel. That's what makes taking the wind right out of their failboat such a joy.

Yes Redskins fans, Dallas week is upon us. Try not to use your big words or show off your fancy college degree, just enjoy ripping the lipid-filled hearts out of these rejects on Sunday.

iH8's prediction: Not what you think , Redskins win 20-17 on a last second field goal, causing spousal abuse and opiate overdoses the nation over.


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