Welcome to my new weekly op-ed, "Hating with H8", your in-depth analysis of what the opposing team of the week and their fans are really like. I can't write it from my laptop because it mysteriously disappeared.
This week, a team cared less about than the Jacksonville Jaguars...The Carolina Panthers, my homestate's team, the red-headed stepchildren of the Hurricanes and Durham Bulls. A team more famous for a murderer than anything they've done on the field.
At 1-5, the Camwagon has already parked it in the garage, put away the Biakabatuka(sp?...who cares?) jerseys that are two sizes too small and mailed it in. These fans are less sure of their team allegiance than Charlotte's most hated man, Jeff Gordon. Only way they can sell tickets to these games is if it's Ric Flair bobblehead day.
Clearly, this week will be a home game for Washington, and if you're going you will be sitting beside some dip-spitting, camouflage hat wearing, Dale Jr. loving, Wrangler jeans wearing, Budweiser drinking drunk buffoon; that will only be there because Whiterock Southern Baptist Church was giving away tickets as a fundraiser.
I'm sure if you're there in person this "fan" beside you will overwhelm you with any combination of the following questions and/or statements:
1. "I ustabe(used-to-be) a Deadskins fan."
2."You 'member Art Monk?"
3."Who's winning the race? Can you check that phone of yours?"
4. And as he gets more insufferably intoxicated, a racist Obama blast, blaming him for everything that's wrong in the country.
But enough of the fan experience, onto the game. Damn, Cam Newton looks like Chris Brown on steroids(something I just noticed).
The Redskins are gonna put more points on the board than dollars Auburn threw at Cam's dad. The Redskins are gonna hit them harder than Steve Smith did Ken Lucas. This game is gonna get uglier than the chicks Jimmy Clausen gets with. Ron Rivera's gonna be more confused than Michele Bachmann during Blue's Clues. The Panthers are gonna lay down faster than a Kardashian in an NBA lockerroom.
H8's final Redskins 34 Panthers 14.