Disclaimer - With everyone and their mother waxing poetic on the trials and tribulations of Donovan McNabb and his return to Philly, Kevin and I decided that in lieu of the typical "Q&A with the opponent" this week, we'd dumb it way down and roast each others' teams. If you're offended easily, please read no further. You can see Kevin's roast of the Eagles over at Bleeding Green Nation.
Hello Redskins fans. I'm JimmyK from Bleeding Green Nation. Your team is the doormat of the NFC East. That's not even part of the roast, by the way. It's more just general knowledge, and I figured you guys might appreciate a quick reminder. Anyway, without further ado...
- Aside from truckloads of money, what exactly can the Redskins' brass try to sell to Donovan McNabb as a reason he should sign a contract extension in D.C.? My impression of the Redskins' public address announcer Week 1, 2011: "Starting at Quarterback... from Florida... number 8... Rex... Grossman. (taps microphone)... Grossman."
- If draft picks were food, the Redskins would be Ethiopia.
- So I'm just learning now that when it rains, the Redskins don't practice because they don't have an indoor practice bubble. Dan Snyder can shell out $30 million for Adam Archuleta and $1 billion for Albert Haynesworth, but when it comes to basic practice facilities, that's where Snyder puts his foot down. It's like paying $250K for a Porshe, but passing on the power windows to save a couple hundred bucks. "Looks like rain today, boys. I guess we'll see you all back here tomorrow." I mean, freaking mail carriers work in the rain, snow, sleet and hail. The Redskins... Ehhhh, not so much. Awesome. So here's a suggestion - why don't they just get a crane, hoist up Albert Haynesworth, and have his fat ass work as an enormous umbrella? You could run 11 on 11's under that thing. Everyone stays dry, and Haynesworth would actually make himself useful for a change.
- When Donovan McNabb was traded to the Redskins, worms at FedEx Field saw their property values decrease by 90%.
- Here's what I've learned from "The Great Mike Shanahan" - If you win a couple Super Bowls with a team built by someone else, starring one of the best QB's of all time, and the best RB in the league, you'll be called a genius for the next 20 years.
- The Redskins had a Top 10 defense last year, despite having an offense that couldn't sustain drives and stay on the field. It was the lone bright spot in an otherwise dreadful 2009 season. But hey, when you have a good defense full of players that fit the 4-3 scheme perfectly and you have the opportunity to switch to a 3-4 for no apparent reason whatsoever, you HAVE TO do it.
- Speaking of no-brainer decisions, anytime you have a guy like Andre Carter that sacked the QB 11 times last season, the only reasonable thing to do is make him cover opposing TE's instead.
- Joey Galloway is so old that someone told him to act his age... and he died.
- Ladies and gentlemen... Laron Landry:
- Two terrible teams (the formerly awful Falcons, and the always awful Raiders) with a severe lack of talent gave up on DeAngelo Hall in less than a calendar year. Hall declared after the loss to the Texans that "This is my team. My defense." Great, the self-proclaimed team leader makes female reporters take their heels off so he doesn't look so short when they interview him. No wonder the Redskins have given up more yards than any team in the NFL.
- If I had a hypothetical opportunity to pluck any offensive player off the Redskins and insert them somewhere into the Eagles' starting lineup, I might just say "No thanks."
- I can understand to a degree that some cities are going to have lukewarm interest in their teams, and can't keep opposing fans from overrunning their stadium. But at least cities like Miami and San Diego have gorgeous weather and beaches to keep them occupied. What exactly does D.C. have that's keeping the fans out of FedEx? A monument that looks like a penis?
- The Redskins' receiving corps is currently led by Santana Moss, Joey Galloway, Roydell Williams, and Anthony Armstrong. Never has anything sucked so famously in Washington D.C. since Monica Lewinsky.
- (Straight face)... And finally... Dan Snyder, you have taken the once proud Redskins and have grossly mismanaged them into the doormat of the NFC East over the course of your reign of terror. And for that... I love you, man!