Food Critique of Washington Redskins' Chris Cooley's Sandwich

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 2:06 AM EDT in Redskins Analysis

I'm going to make this short and sweet. It's not good. Chris Cooley's sandwich is made of 3 ingredients:

- Ham, which I LOVE
- Mustard, which I LOVE
- Peanut Butter, which I LOVE

When I ate this sandwich, my mouth went dry faster than a ferret eating 13 cotton balls. Yes, that makes no sense, but a sandwich with peanut butter needs SOMETHING with moisture. The peanut butter was sticking to my mouth and the mustard and ham were both offering ZERO help. Ah...now I realize how under-rated jelly truly is. It can't be JUST me though, right? I made 3 more Cooley sandwiches with a REAL thin peanut butter layer and took these 3 sandwiches to Rocket Bar, where yes, I approached random dudes at a bar asking them to eat sandwiches named "Cooley." Amazingly, 3 of the first 4 dudes I met were willing for the taste test:

Guy #1 - "I give it a 5 out of 10...peanut butter is too dry. It sticks to the top of my mouth." He took 2 bites and the sandwich went into the trash can.

Guy #2 (Guy #1's friend) - "I give it a 6 out of 10." He actually ate the whole sandwich despite disliking peanut butter. He said he would eat this late night no problem though he didn't really enjoy the situation.

Guy #3 - Steve - Season ticket holder in section 329. He took ONE bite and that was the end of that:

It tastes like caulk...if I was pregnant, it'd be good. You need to add some moisture...like a fine tomato to absorb some of the Wonder Bread. A roll would make this better.

I am paraphrasing thirty minutes of shenanigans, and I left out about 14 amazing "that's what she said!" quotes. I digress. Anyway, I thought there was NO way I could dislike this sandwich because I LOVE all three ingredients. Truth of the matter is, there is nothing in the sandwich to counter-act all the moisture the peanut butter hogs. Mr. Cooley, perhaps I made your sandwich wrong. I doubt it. It sucks. If you want to prove me wrong, I'm willing to take a taste test with you, but as of now, your wife has it right. AWFUL. Do you chug 4 pints of water while you eat these?

I know the sandwich will live on...anyone have any suggestions for the name? It's only a matter of time before Chris opens a restaurant...I think it's only fitting Hogs Haven comes up with the name for this disaster. Comment below.

Poll

Would you try the Cooley sandwich?

Yes

121 votes

No

160 votes

281 votes | Poll has closed

Tweet Comment 18 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

extra note

I forgot to add in that even after drinking beers in Rocket where my palette was good,I took a bite from the back of one of these sandwiches and STILL the peanut butter dominated.

Can training camp start already?

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 2:22 AM EDT reply actions

PB

If you used reduced fat Jiff then it is going to be dry. Creamy Jiff is so much better. Wonder bread is also very dry and turns to goo when you eat it. I also would go with shaved ham over that thick crap you used. Whole grain wheat bread, creamy Jiff, shaved ham, and a spicy brown mustard should work better. Yeah, training camp needs to start asap.

by liger99 on Jul 23, 2009 10:02 AM EDT up reply actions

Ingredients I used

Wonder Bread
Creamy JIF (none of that reduced fat stuff)
Heinz Yellow Mustard
Thin Sliced Ham

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 10:27 AM EDT up reply actions

Your ham is terrible....

You have to use fresh deli ham dude. That ham sucks. Also, you may want to try some spicy brown mustard rather than that yellow stuff.

by Roastbeef on Jul 23, 2009 12:29 PM EDT reply actions

it's not the ham...

Sure, a ham & cheese sandwich from the deli is better…but its enough to get the idea of whether it’s good or not. I think the bread was the problem.

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 12:49 PM EDT up reply actions

I don't really think the ham quality...

Will do much for the sandwich if the problem is it being too dry. I’m going on vacation and will miss all of training camp…but i’ll be back for preseason,thats what I really want. I’ve been reduced to watching Canadian football…

"I'd run over my own mother to win a Super Bowl." - Joe Jacoby

by FletchIsUnstoppable on Jul 23, 2009 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

have a good time

your fan posts have been great…where you headed to for vacation? Please don’t say Dallas.

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 12:48 PM EDT up reply actions

Thanks a lot!

I’m going on a cruise to the Bahamas,and the cruise stops in Baltimore so i’ll be up there about a week before the first preseason game,i’m trying to convince my parents to stay up there so we can catch the game. I’ve never been to an away game,and i’ve heard M&T Bank stadium is pretty nice so it would be a good one.

"I'd run over my own mother to win a Super Bowl." - Joe Jacoby

by FletchIsUnstoppable on Jul 23, 2009 1:04 PM EDT up reply actions

definitely

Sugar and I were at the Ravens/Skins last year. It’s an amazing stadium. We’ll both be there for the pre-season game as well…we’ll be posting something about a tailgate as we approach the game.

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 2:07 PM EDT up reply actions

Awesome!

I’ll hopefully see you guys there if I can go.

"I'd run over my own mother to win a Super Bowl." - Joe Jacoby

by FletchIsUnstoppable on Jul 23, 2009 2:40 PM EDT up reply actions

Whats wrong with Wonder?

The bread?

by Roastbeef on Jul 23, 2009 2:34 PM EDT reply actions

it's doughy

try to eat one slice with nothing on it…not possible. Man, maybe i did bash the sandwich too hard…I’ll try it again with everyone’s suggestions…wheat bread or hamburger bun, spicy mustard, boars head thinly sliced ham.

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 3:32 PM EDT up reply actions

Why dont you cry about it?

by Roastbeef on Jul 23, 2009 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

I did

by Kevin Ewoldt on Jul 23, 2009 4:12 PM EDT up reply actions

You can keep trying,

but cooley’s sandwich is going to suck no matter what. The only way it would even be ok would be if you added some salty ass virgina ham. That’s the problem, sweet is there but no salt. With the peanut butter left over, try Elvis’s sandwich on for size.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peanut_butter,_banana_and_bacon_sandwich

I didn’t get fat just looking at food people!!!

by fat pete on Jul 23, 2009 6:43 PM EDT reply actions