New study: Penis surgery makes you a better NFL wide receiver

by Skin Patrol on Jan 3, 2008 7:26 PM EST

And by new study I mean something Clinton Portis said. Or it should become academic gospel in virtue of CP saying it, anyways. First, from Covering the Redskins:

When asked how health has affected the season of Santana Moss, Clinton Portis joked, "now that he has gotten over his circumcision, he's doing a lot better.. You can tell by the way he is running." Portis and Moss are both ironically, feeling their best since the beginning of the season now, a big part of the reason the Skins offense has awakened in recent weeks.. Moss was saddled through the summer with hamstring and groin issues, he also suffered a heel injury mid season.. Portis missed the summer sessions with knee tendonitis after struggling through '06 with a dislocated shoulder and subsequently a hand injury..

I think Bram Weinstein is a genius. Immediately after dropping the huge bomb shell that is the alleged Santana Moss circumcision -- which he denies, kind of sort of -- Bram (probably unintentionally) equivocates penisgate on Moss feeling better and recovering well from nebulous "groin issues". Groin issues? No. Issues are something you purchase at a magazine stand. Issues are something you have with disagreeable coworkers. Your strange cousin has "issues". If it relates to your groin, here are proper adjectives: tragedy, calamity, Waterloo, catastrophe. I disagree that groins accumulate "issues".

This is simply too crazy a story for the greatest sports journalist of all time to ignore, and he carries the story as only the greatest sports journalist of all time could. Back and forth from Portis:

"He had the big one. I told you, he tried to take a manly step at 29," Portis said, overstating Moss's age by one year. "After he took that step, his healing process, he's getting better. He's getting better every day."...

"Santana to go that long without getting his tail clipped, that was the most interesting to me," Portis said...

"I know it's a tough procedure, man," Portis said.

And later he actually threatens Santana's groin with knee. From Santana:

"You listen to anything Clinton says, you might fall for anything in life," Moss said. "Listen to him, you ain't going nowhere."

And later: "That don't make no sense. I don't play that game. He can play any other way, but not that. It's all good though. If y'all see Clinton missing around here, you'll know I did it. We're gonna be fighting right here. Y'all gonna have a live one for whatever channel you want."

Which goes to show that no matter how clever the rest of us peons are, our practical jokes will never be as good as Clinton Portis' practical jokes because the world listens to him. He has the opportunity to accuse his friend, another highly regarded football player, of playing better because he had his "tail clipped" -- which needs to enter the medical lexicon yesterday.

Round 1: Clinton Portis 1, Santana Moss 0

Believe in the power of prayer for a 2nd round.

Fanhouse, Clinton Portis Jokes About Santana Moss 'Getting His Tail Clipped'

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Waterloo?

From the Wiki...

The Battle of Waterloo, fought on 18 June 1815, was Napoleon Bonaparte's last battle. His defeat put a final end to his rule as Emperor of the French.

A groin and the words "last battle", "defeat" and "final end" seem more along the lines of "clipping" a wing than the more serious cousin of the "issue" that your seeking.

"Waterloo" is going to the man doctor and coming away with the distinctive limp. Or coming away with a bunch of blue pills. Or an higher octave. You don't recover from Waterloo.

Waterloo is not missing half a season before a playoff run. Waterloo is exile on Saint Helena and a slow death by arsenic.

by TexSkins on Jan 4, 2008 12:37 AM EST reply actions