New study: Penis surgery makes you a better NFL wide receiver

And by new study I mean something Clinton Portis said. Or it should become academic gospel in virtue of CP saying it, anyways. First, from Covering the Redskins:

When asked how health has affected the season of Santana Moss, Clinton Portis joked, "now that he has gotten over his circumcision, he's doing a lot better.. You can tell by the way he is running." Portis and Moss are both ironically, feeling their best since the beginning of the season now, a big part of the reason the Skins offense has awakened in recent weeks.. Moss was saddled through the summer with hamstring and groin issues, he also suffered a heel injury mid season.. Portis missed the summer sessions with knee tendonitis after struggling through '06 with a dislocated shoulder and subsequently a hand injury..
I think Bram Weinstein is a genius. Immediately after dropping the huge bomb shell that is the alleged Santana Moss circumcision -- which he denies, kind of sort of -- Bram (probably unintentionally) equivocates penisgate on Moss feeling better and recovering well from nebulous "groin issues". Groin issues? No. Issues are something you purchase at a magazine stand. Issues are something you have with disagreeable coworkers. Your strange cousin has "issues". If it relates to your groin, here are proper adjectives: tragedy, calamity, Waterloo, catastrophe. I disagree that groins accumulate "issues".

This is simply too crazy a story for the greatest sports journalist of all time to ignore, and he carries the story as only the greatest sports journalist of all time could. Back and forth from Portis:

"He had the big one. I told you, he tried to take a manly step at 29," Portis said, overstating Moss's age by one year. "After he took that step, his healing process, he's getting better. He's getting better every day."...

"Santana to go that long without getting his tail clipped, that was the most interesting to me," Portis said...

"I know it's a tough procedure, man," Portis said.

And later he actually threatens Santana's groin with knee. From Santana:
"You listen to anything Clinton says, you might fall for anything in life," Moss said. "Listen to him, you ain't going nowhere."

And later: "That don't make no sense. I don't play that game. He can play any other way, but not that. It's all good though. If y'all see Clinton missing around here, you'll know I did it. We're gonna be fighting right here. Y'all gonna have a live one for whatever channel you want."

Which goes to show that no matter how clever the rest of us peons are, our practical jokes will never be as good as Clinton Portis' practical jokes because the world listens to him. He has the opportunity to accuse his friend, another highly regarded football player, of playing better because he had his "tail clipped" -- which needs to enter the medical lexicon yesterday.

Round 1: Clinton Portis 1, Santana Moss 0

Believe in the power of prayer for a 2nd round.

Fanhouse, Clinton Portis Jokes About Santana Moss 'Getting His Tail Clipped'

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Hogs Haven

You must be a member of Hogs Haven to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Hogs Haven. You should read them.

Join Hogs Haven

You must be a member of Hogs Haven to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Hogs Haven. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.